Money jokes - Page 36

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"
The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me."
The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

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Yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light bill!

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Money jokes Yo Momma Jokes

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:
Change the last line of the Lord’s prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities.
The Pope declined.
2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again.
This time with a 50 million dollar offer.
Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
The good news is… that we have 100 million dollars for charities.
The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!

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News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy.
"I cheated you.
The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no.
Take it," said the second guy.
"I saw the five o'clock news too.
I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

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News and Politics Jokes Technology Jokes Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Раwn Stars:
Man:
"Can I have change for a dollar?"
Rick:
"Best I can do is 75 cents."

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

The holiday season: A deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

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Christmas Jokes Religion jokes Money jokes

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Philosophy Jokes

Q: What travels at 200km's a hour?
A: A Mexican hearing a dollar drop to the ground.

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Mexican jokes Money jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuскin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dаммiт, I said I want to open a fuскin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no dамn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuскin' checking account in this dамn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this вiтсh is giving you a hard time?"

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes Boss Jokes

What are Women Really Thinking?
So many men, so few who can afford me.
Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?
And your point is?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Chocolate Jokes Coffee Jokes

Willy:
"Mom, are our neighbors very poor people?
Mother:
"I don't think so, Willy. Why do you ask?"
Willy:
"Because they made such a fuss when their baby swallowed a coin."

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Baby Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now.
One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure.
He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender.
"What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.
Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks.
Hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Africa Jokes

What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief? …
An amateur thief says, “Give me all your money!” …
A professional thief says, “Sign here please…”

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Money jokes Criminal Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I dont, Ive been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, Ive been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

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Business jokes Money jokes Men jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes American Jokes

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.
"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.
"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

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Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes

How do you find the population of a Mexican village?
Roll a quarter down the street.r

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Mexican jokes Money jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Customer: “My youngest son was surfing the web last night and to my shock he was at a British comedy site.”
Tech Support: “Yes, what is the problem?”
Customer: “The ‘.uk’ at the end — doesn’t that stand for United Kingdom?”
Tech Support: “Yes.”
Customer: “Just great — I knew it!
He’s in trouble now!
He was there for almost a half hour!
How much does AOL charge for long distance?”
Tech Support: “It does not work that way.
You can surf anywhere without long distance charges.”
Customer: “No, I am sure AOL charges extra.
It doesn’t make any sense that they wouldn’t.
England is a long way away, they would lose millions not to.”
After trying to explain how the web worked, the customer refused to take my word and said she was going to call AOL.
A while later she called back.
Customer: “Well, AOL said you were correct; no long distance charge for overseas web sites.
I do have another question I thought of after I hung up with AOL.”
Tech Support: “Yes?”
Customer: “Do you think they charge extra for long distance email?”
Tech Support: “Trust me — they don’t.”
Customer: “Wonderful!
My oldest son works in Sweden.
He sends us email, but I was always afraid to reply because I didn’t know how much it would cost, so I just called him on the phone.
This will save us lots of money!
Still if AOL was smart they would charge for this service.”

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Computer Jokes Phone jokes

If money dosnt grow on trees why do banks have branches?

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Money jokes Banker Jokes

Three men were drunк and they stopped a taxi.
The taxi driver figured that they were not in their minds so, he just switched on the engine and switched it off and told them:
"we have arrived".
The first man gave him money.
The second one thanked the taxi driver.
The third one slapped him (the taxi driver).
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them had realized that the car didn't move an inch, but he faked surprise and asked the third man:
"what was that for?".
The drunken man replied:
"control your speed next time! you nearly killed us!!!"

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Money jokes Car and driving jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

About 4,000 years ago:
God:
"I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!"
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God:
"Correction, I shall create a great flood!"

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Religion jokes Money jokes God Jokes Sick and Death Jokes