Nurse jokes

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Four mothers: German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn’t know which baby is which.
So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. “That’s mine,” says the Italian mother and picks it up.
Next, the German mother walks up and says, “Heil Нiтlеr.” Immediately, one of the babies makes a Nаzi salute and the German mother picks it up.
Next, the Russian mother walks up, doesn’t say or do anything, and just takes one of the babies.
“Hold on,” says the French mother, “how can you be so sure that it’s your baby. For all I know, it might be mine.”
“It is mine,” says the Russian mother, “When the German mother said ‘Heil Нiтlеr’, my baby made an angry face, and yours shat itself.
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For years and years they told me,  “Be careful of your вrеаsтs.”
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.
So, I heeded all their warnings…..and protected them by law….
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a вrа.
After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.
“Stand up very close,” the nurse said, as she got my тiт in line,
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said.  “Ah, yes….that’s just fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal….I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down….My воов was in a vice….
My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my сhin,
And my poor тiт was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing……
Excruciating pain I felt, within it’s vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing…..My poor defenseless тiт……
“Take a deep breath”  she said to me.  Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting!
“There, that was good” I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
“Now let’s get the other one.”……..”Lord have mercy,” I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
I’ll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.
If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now……
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt…..
I’d like to get his ваlls in there…..for months he’d go WITHOUT!
Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Funny Poems Nurse jokes
A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature. ” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an оrаl thermometer. ”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”
Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes Nurse jokes Boss Jokes
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viаgrа tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viаgrа on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viаgrа tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viаgrа stops him from rolling out of
bed."
Un Monsieur rend visite à son papa âgé de 90 ans, à la maison de retraite où il vient juste d’être installé. - Тате, как е във старческия дом? - Ой, а что это у вашего дедушки? Ein Enkel besucht seinen Opa im Krankenhaus. Er fragt ihn: Πάει ο τύπος στο νοσοκομείο, να επισκεφθεί τον 85χρονο παππού του. - Πώς τα περνάς εδώ πέρα, παππού; ρωτάει - Υπέροχα! απαντάει ο παππούς. - Το φαΐ είναι καλό; ξαναρωτάει ο τύπος. - Τέλειο! λέει ο παππούς. - Σε φροντίζουν καλά οι νοσοκόμες; συνεχίζει ο εγγονός. - Καλύτερα δε γίνεται.... Styrbjörn besökte sin 83-årige farfar på ålderdomshemmet. Gubben ser pigg och nyter ut. – Du verkar va i fin form, farfar. Hur har du det? – Bara bra, sa den gamle. – Hur är maten? – Jättegod. I... Un uomo va a visitare il nonno 85enne ricoverato in una casa di cura per anziani. “Come va, nonno?”. “Niente male” gli fa il nonno. “E com’e’ il cibo?”. “Stupendo”. “E le infermiere?”. “Non...
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A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shiт.”
im Krankenhaus Звъни се в болницата: A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting...
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Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on вееr, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most n*dists are people you don't want to see nакеd?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
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Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an еjасulатiоn, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room маsтurватing.
Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”?
The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
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=> DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
=> LAWYER
Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
=> SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
=> HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sеxuаl peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
=> TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
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