Old People Jokes

My father, a retired factory worker, keeps reminiscing about the "good 'ol days" of his younger years.

Then without skipping a beat, he'll say something like, "but it really isn't so bad nowadays."

Then he goes right back to how nice he had it as a teenager back in the 60's.

Then, right away it's back to the present, with "but technology today makes everything so much easier."

It's back and forth, back and forth from the present to the past, past to the present.

"You know dad," I finally told him, "you're nothing but a baby boomerang!"

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Q: What do dog poo and women have in common? A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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Two women are discussing life in the retirement village they live in with their spouses and how they like it. One woman tells the other that she misses sеx though to which the other replies that her and her hubby still have sеx whenever she wants. The first woman asks how and the second woman says every so often when he's in the bathroom getting ready for bed she gets nакеd and lays on the bed holding her legs up in the air so when he comes out he can't help but have sеx with her. The first woman decides to try this a couple of weeks later. Her husband is in the bathroom getting ready for bed so she gets nакеd, lays down and struggles to get one leg up and then the other as she's holding them shakily. Her husband comes out and exclaims, "Good Lord woman, put in your teeth and brush your hair....you're starting to look like an аsshоlе!"

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In the dim and distant past, when life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and babysit.
When the kids were in a jam, they could always call on Gram.
However, today she's in the gym exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net, sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her, now that Grandma's off her rocker.

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Fitness jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes

Leeroy is talking to his parents about his problems:
"Mummy, whenever I try to play with the white boys and girls, they always call me a niggеr - why is that?
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black."
"And mummy, why do the teachers shout at me and tell me to go away, but they are nice to the white boys and girls?"
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are black."
Then Leroy grins and says "Well, whenever I'm in the shower with the white boys I notice that my реnis is much вiggеr than their penises."
"Well," replies his mum, "that's because you are 37."

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Old People Jokes Black People Jokes School Jokes

Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old. The first one says,
"I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a роор."
The second one says,
"Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to рее."
The third one says,
"I take a nice роор at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice рее."
The other two guys look at him and ask,
"What are you complaining about?"
The third man explains,
"I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."

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Men jokes Old People Jokes

Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.

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Wine jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my вrеаsтs.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Неll, no! He just yelled, “April Fools!” And that’s when I shot the little ваsтаrd.

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Friendship Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes April Fools' Jokes

Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They're going to call her Old Spice.

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My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, “I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.”
“Fair enough. From now on I’ll make my own,” he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him after wards.
“We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like,” he suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, “Separate checks, please…”

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Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach. One kid's parents were good business people. The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders. The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father.
Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water. They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him. As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama. The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!" The first kid said he wanted a helicopter. The second kid wished for some money. And the redneck asked for a wheel chair. Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family. The kid replied, "'Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time."

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A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

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Animal Jokes Old People Jokes Dog jokes

”Hey grandma, did you see my pills? They write LSD on the box outside!”
”Sсrеw the pills, didn’t you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

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Old People Jokes

The government recently noticed that it had too many generals in the army and offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes 6 feet.
He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes 8 feet.
He walked away with a check $960,000.
When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, "from my index finger of the left foot to the thumb, that's it."
The pension man said that would be fine but "My God!" he said, "where is your thumb?!"
The general replied, "Back in Iraq!"

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A wife to her husband as they watch their young son playing:
"He's such a sensitive child.
Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant."

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Accountant Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes

Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replays . The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that. Mom says cause u black and they white. Next day Tyrone is crying again . What's wrong today Tyrone his mother ask. Tyrone said teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that. Mom says cause u black and they white. Next day he comes home smiling. What happened today Tyrone. Tyrone says mama we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white. Mama says no Tyrone it's cause u 17 and they 6

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes School Jokes Old People Jokes Black People Jokes

Sеx at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

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An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

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Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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A woman was standing nакеd, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband:
"I feel awful. I look old, fат, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied:
"Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.

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