School jokes, Teacher Jokes

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.
So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."
The lion answers, "That little ваsтаrd! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiот every time he's on ecstasy!"

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School Jokes

Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for Northwestern!"
Seeing this, the Buckeye walked over and shouted, "This is for everyone!!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the mountain.

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School Jokes

Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?
A: There wouldn't be any. It's an electric train.

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School Jokes

I just read Latino high school kids came in fifth on their SATs.
Number one was Chinese - OK. Number two was whites - OK. Number three was blacks - OK. Number four were 'others.' Dамn! A whole race of people defeated by a pronoun.

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School Jokes

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal:
"What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a соw have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

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A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft. When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..

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The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists.
One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu. The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: 'Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination - Timbuktu. The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whоrеs in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu

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Q: What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.

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School Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q: How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Well, teachers generally don't change light bulbs, but a good teacher can make a dim one brighter!

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School Jokes Military Jokes

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school.
When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter. Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, Your name has an r after the first letter - is it Ms. Crunt?

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Sincerely, Dean B. Reel

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A frat boy gets into the back of a cab and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of вееr?"
The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws up.

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School Jokes Beer Jokes

A student is taking his final exams.
He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks. The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on? "I am only following the instructions - the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

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School Jokes

Men are like toilets, they're either taken, unavaliable, taking a рiss or just full of s**t.

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School Jokes

Children's Books That Didn't Make It:
- The Littlest Раwn: A Custody Battle
- Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
- The Curious Immigrant and the High-Voltage Fence
- Some Hobos Can Be Kind
- Why You Are Up for Adoption
- Grandpa Gets a Casket
- 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
- The Magic Abandoned Refrigerator
- Oops! You're Getting a Brother
- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
- Your Nightmares Are Real
- Oh, the Things That You'll Learn When You Talk to a Stranger!
- How Buddy-Wuddy Got Hepatitis B
- Mommy, Where Did Our House Go and Have You Seen My Toys?
- When Everyone Finds Out You Wet the Bed

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School Jokes

Children's Books That Didn't Make It:
- Accidents Happen: The Story of YOU
- The Little Sissy Wimp Who Snitched
- Some Kittens Can Fly
- You Can Paint Anywhere!
- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
- Bad Katy and the Mom Who Stopped Loving Her
- The Attention Deficit

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School Jokes

There was once a pair of high school sweethearts. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.
Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't want to do this and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her giving her new boyfriend a вlоw job and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, ''I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.''
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was рissеd. So...he wrote on the back of the photo: ''Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!'' and mailed the picture to her parents.

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School Jokes

A herd of buffalo can only move as fastas the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones atthe back of the herd that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for theherd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained oreven improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, thehuman brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which theelectrical signals pass. Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing universitystudies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up withthe performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strictregimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that theyachieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As ourcountry is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. But getback into the bars and pubs and quaff that pint! Your company and your countryneeds you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the careeropportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Takelife by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good cold вееr willkill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make thenecessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to performat their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!

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Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about it. In order to keep money flowing into our institution we've created a summer program that any slacker could pass.
New Course Offerings for the Summer Session: THEORIES OF TIC-TAC-TOE: Should you pick X or O? The answer isn't as complicated as you might think once you've learned the theory. Learn techniques that the pros use, and play with confidence. Pre-Requisite: the movie "War Games"
THE DECLINE OF ROMAN ОRGАSМS: What happened to the pleasure of the Roman woman after 33 A.D.? Using archeological evidence and experiences from her own marriage, Dr. Lisa Cecil uncovers an entire era of faking it. Pre-Requisite: Bitter Relationship
DRAWING CONCLUSIONS: Using our creative instinct to doodle on things labeled "work," we'll literally draw conclusions. Pre-Requisite: Motor Skills
MUSIC TO THE EARS: Like the Sound of Music? How about the sound of doing nothing for two hours a day for credit? Pre-Requisite: FOOD TO THE STOMACH also, be on the lookout for . . .
THE ORIGINS OF BEGINNINGS - An Introductory Course THUMBS UP, THUMBS DOWN: post-modern film criticism THE ECONOMICS OF ARCADES: finding change for a dollar THE STATISTICS OF POLLS - A survey course.

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School Jokes

Q: Why is the math book always upset?
A: Because it has a lot of problems.

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