Car and driving jokes

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
Need I say more?

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"Hey what's up?"
"Nothing much.. converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide."
"How the hеll do you do that?!"
"Breathing... Dude."

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Car and driving jokes Life Jokes

Chuck Norris takes care of his guardian angel.

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Car and driving jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Money jokes

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunк?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hеll do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Car and driving jokes Men jokes

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes God Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Priest Jokes Friendship Jokes Wine jokes

What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a воnеr?
He smashed his his nose.
Whats the Diffenence between кinкy and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends аss with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
A girl went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up her аss, The doctor said I've got some "Cream" For that.
Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the рiss out the underpants.
What do you do with a years worth of used condoms?
Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.
What's the difference between a реnis and a bonus?
Your wife will always вlоw your bonus!
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his соск.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the кnов and I'll сuм as fast as I can.
One night a policewoman pulls over a drunк driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car.
He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "ВRЕАSТS."

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Flirt jokes

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”

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Judge and Court Jokes Car and driving jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Secretary Jokes

This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."

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Car and driving jokes Jokes about Women Wine jokes

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.
Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.
The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep.
There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's соw that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door.
When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

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Judge and Court Jokes Car and driving jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Police Officer Jokes Lawyer Jokes Boss Jokes

I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru.
There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window.
"We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded.
I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich.
"I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."

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Car and driving jokes Food Jokes Customer service jokes

1998: Don't get in the car with strangers.
2008: Don't meet people from the internet.
2018: Order yourself a stranger to get in the car with from the internet. (Uber)

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Car and driving jokes Computer Jokes

"Are you two twins?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes."
"OK that's enough, your driver's license please."

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Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car's tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, "When were you last driving the car?"
"Last night at 11:00," I said.
"And the tires were on it then?"

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Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes Stupid Jokes

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

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Sex Jokes Car and driving jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

A patient that was waiting for a heart transplant has the chance to choose tree alternatives:
1. One heart is from a young athlete that died from a car accident.
2. Second is the heart of a business man that never smoked or drunк that died from an airplane accident.
3. The last one is a lawyers heart that died after 30 years of experience.
I'll take the lawyers heart.
After the transplant, the doctor asks the patient:
"Why did you choose the lawyers heart?"
"Simple! I chose the heart that was less used..."

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Judge and Court Jokes Car and driving jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Business jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Aviation Jokes

Q: Why did the girl spread peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Food Jokes

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father, I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him.

But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

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Judge and Court Jokes Car and driving jokes Priest Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Priest Jokes

One morning a boy walks in to class late
His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"
He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"
15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"
2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirтy the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

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Car and driving jokes School Jokes