Work Jokes, Office Jokes

In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor.

One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe non-linear waterfowl issue."

Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"

The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."

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QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road? Part I
Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sеxuаl insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Animal Jokes American Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a cook and a gаy?
A: The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gаy stirs yesterday's dinner.

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Gross Jokes Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul, a banker, says to Morty, "Listen, Morty, I should probably tell you, I don't swim so well."

Morty, who worked as a lifeguard when he was younger, begins tugging and pulling on Saul, helping him float towards shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks, "Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul looks at Morty and then replies, "This is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"

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Misunderstanding Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Banker Jokes

The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.

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Beauty Jokes Office and Work Jokes

A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"
A student answered, "The First Pet?"
The teacher then asked, "Why?"
The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."

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Science jokes Office and Work Jokes Political Jokes School Jokes

“The economy is weird.” Remarked one worker to another. “My bank failed before the toaster did.”

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Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Banker Jokes

My Calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side…..it still works

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Q: What does a black person have in common with a soda machine?
A: They both don't work and always take your money.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Black People Jokes

What do a gynecologist and a waiter have in common?
They both have to work in the places where others have fun!

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What's The Difference Jokes Office and Work Jokes Gynecology Jokes

Ollie was trying to sell his car. He was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, he told his problem to his friend Sven who worked at the gas station. Sven told him, “Ollie, der’s a way ta make selling da car easier, but it ain’t legal.”
“Dat don’t matter,” replied Ollie, “If I can sell da car, dat’s ok.”
“Okay,” said Sven. “Here’s da address of a frienda mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell em I sent you and he vill turn da counter in yer car back ta 50,000 miles. Den it von’t be a problem ta sell yer car anymore.”
The following weekend, Ollie made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, Sven asked Ollie, “Vell, Ollie, did ya sell yer car?”
“No,” replied Ole, “Vy should I sell it, ya duммy? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it.”

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Stupid Jokes Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes

I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.

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Sarcasm Jokes Office and Work Jokes

No YouPorn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work.

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Internet Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes

My ex texted me:
::
She: I can’t live without you
::
::
Me: …. Then die
::
The breakup/makeup flowers that didn’t work $25
The jewelry that didn’t work $200
The text: PRICELESS!

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Dating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

When the missus caught me cheating on her she told me she wished she could turn the clock back.
I tried doing something to cheer her up but she was even more рissеd off when she was late for work the next day.

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Cheating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

A recent revelation has shed new light on the 9/11 attacks.
Two Irish joiners were working in the Twin Towers that day fitting new doors. A witness overheard one saying, “Раddy, get a plane and take a bit off the top.”

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Irish jokes Office and Work Jokes

What is the best job in a country which is war-prone?
"Foreign ambassador."

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Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes

There is an apartment with 3 stories. A white family lives in the top, a mexican family live in the middle, and a black family lives in the bottom. A tornado comes and wipes out the apartment. Who survives?
The white family because the parents were at work and the kids were at school!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes

I was at an important job interview today and was asked “ are u on Facebook”
“No I’m not” I replied.
“are u on Twitter"
"No”
“Instagram?"
"Nope”
“Look just put your fuскing phone away, will u ?”

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Social Network Jokes Office and Work Jokes Facebook Jokes

A guy asked his very good friend if you could stop over to his place and spend a little time working on his computer.

His friend agreed and turned the system on. When he turned on the PC he had an unpleasant surprise.

He asked: ”Why is the display completely black?”

His friend answered: ”The PC is mourning his video card...”

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Computer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes