A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him.
The secretary knew she couldn't insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
The ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch реnis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison.
He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.”
At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!”
“The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name-she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans.
The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you - ASAP!”
“Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks - utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... nакеd.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support