Newest jokes

Due to company password policy we will be requiring

all staff with a new iphone to have their face surgically altered every 90 days

Girls are not complicated. Seriously.

How hard is to say "you're pretty" and give us chocolate?

There are no limits to what you can accomplish,

when you are supposed to be doing something else.

One evening a husband and wife were in bed.

The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV. The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love. A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood. She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure. The husband repeats the same move again. She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for sex. Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says:
"Dear, I’m all ready!"
"For what? "
"Well, for sex, dear! You've fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I'm ready!"
"Huh? Sex?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book."

I can't wait for mu boss to leave for the day,

so I can stop pretending to work...

My boss bought a new sports car and parked it on his space while I was walking by him.

I congratulated him to his newest purchase. He said:
"Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

Slut (n):

A woman with the moral of a man

Men play the game.

Women know the score.

The quickest way to get your husband to fix something,

is to get out his tools and to start the project yourself.