Newest jokes

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

Pilot: The plane is about to crash! Quick, make your last call to say your last words!

Guy: Babe, I'm so sorry, I cheated on you.
Girl: WHAT!???
Pilot: Oops, nevermind, the plane is back in control!
Guy: CRASH THE FUCKING PLANE DAMMIT.

Just because I can't sing,

doesn't mean I won't sing

I'm not great at math.

But adding alcohol and subtracting feelings solves most of my problems..

Did you know?

We sleep because the simulation running Earth doesn't have the processing power to run all creatures at once

Due to company password policy we will be requiring

all staff with a new iphone to have their face surgically altered every 90 days

Girls are not complicated. Seriously.

How hard is to say "you're pretty" and give us chocolate?