Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon.
"Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"
"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!"

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I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."
The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini.
By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.
She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your тiтs are hanging in the ashtray."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Boob Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like рiss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Gross Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

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Sex Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will are scheduled to again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Вееr or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U. S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed рrоsтiтuте that you met at a yard sale and drink вееr all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes American Jokes Beer Jokes Japanese Jokes

Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a вееr.
“Want another?” asked the bartender.
“I think not,” Descartes replied. Then he disappeared.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes Beer Jokes

“Brewery workers demand for concessional вееr for their consumption, was considered on a case by case basis, and a ration-ale decision was reached by the management.”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes Beer Jokes

The guy who sipped his beers was into malt licker.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes Beer Jokes

A young man walks into a bar and orders a Kamikaze.
As soon as he is severed he slams it down.
And before the bartender can walk away he calls out I need a shot of Tequila.
So the bat tender pours the tequila.
And no sooner than he is server he slam it back and then the young man asks for a shot of Gin.
The bar tender compiles with the request, and out of curiosity asks the young man are you celebrating?
The young man nods, and says quietly mt first вlоw job.
The bartender smiles and says I remember my first.
The young man looks up and says so how did you get rid of that taste?

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

I've trained my dog to bring me red wine.
It's a Bordeaux collie.

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Wine jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Dog jokes

I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunк staggering along the road.
He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunк, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Dамn, that is one ugly child!."
As the drunк wandered off, the lady burst into tears.
Just then, a mailman came to her rescue.
"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.
"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.
"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket.
"Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"

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Insult Jokes Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Ugly Jokes

A man goes to a bar says, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man it seems i forgot my wallet.
The barman kicks him in the guts and throws him out.
The next day the man comes again, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man i don't have any money on me.
The barman hits him in the face with bar stool brakes his leg and throws him out.
The following day the man comes to the bar again, "Barman drinks on me for the owner and everybody else in here!"
Barman says, "What am not getting a free drink tonight?"
"Sorry man but you get violent when you drink."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Q: What is a blondes' reaction to hearing "drinks are on the house".
A: Where's the stairs.

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Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, “I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.”
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets.
He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.
He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house.”

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.
So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson.
She dresses up like Sатаn, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.
The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.
He just looks at her and says, ”You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!”’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning.
The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.
I said to her, "what are you doing..baking..at this time of the night" ?

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Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have.
The first one says he'll have H2O.
The second one said he'll have H2O too.
The second one died.

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Science jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife sсrеwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Boss Jokes

A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun. He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's аss.
The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hеll are you doing?"
The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunк, shoot the sh*t and eat рussy."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes American Jokes