Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of вееr.
He gets a pitcher of вееr and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his вееr. He orders another and he gets really рissеd drunк.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???'
The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!

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My idea of balanced diet is вееr in each hand.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Beer Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Life Jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:
"Hey do you know, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or any of that shiт?"
Offended the Asian man replies: "What you think that just because I'm asian I know martial arts?"
The man replies: "Nah its because you're drinking my fуcking bourbon"

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Asian jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

An alcoholic, a smoker and a gаy went to a doctor.
The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die.
As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar.
He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunк."
And he entered the bar, drank and died.
At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street.
The gаy walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!"
"Why? I want to smoke so much."
"If you bend... we both are dead!"

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A beautiful woman sits next to a drunк in a bar.
He turns to her and says, ‘Hey, honey.
How about you and me getting it on?
I’ve got a couple of pounds and it looks like you could use the money.’
The woman turns to him and says, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beauty Jokes

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty вееr and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hеll of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Неll, we got so drunк around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Dамn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

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Christmas Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Monday jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes

A drunк stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
So the drunк says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Сhrisт.”
The drunк says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunк and exclaims, ”Jesus Сhrisт, you’re here again?”

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes God Jokes Priest Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Priest Jokes

A drunк phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Phone jokes

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Already drunк and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Stupid Jokes

A Blonde Redneck Guy finds a lamp. He rubs it and a Genie emerges. The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes. The Guy thinks for a moment and says, 'First, give me a bottomless mug of вееr.'
A mug of вееr appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled. The Guy is thrilled and continues to drink. The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, 'And what about your other two wishes?'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Give me two more just like this one!'

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Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy.
A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks.
He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vомiт and says,
"Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

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Jokes about Women Drinking and Drunk Jokes Animal Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Dog jokes

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine.
But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into вееr.

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Religion jokes Chuck Norris Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes Bible Jokes Beer Jokes

A drunк man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunк man.".
And the drunк man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to кill me I have never been so late in my life!"

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New year jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Husband:
Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking вееr and farting.

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Gross Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Fart Jokes Beer Jokes

Why did the blonde have empty вееr cans in her fridge?
For people who don't drink.

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Men vs Women Jokes Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes Beer Jokes

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish.
He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."
The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of вееr, how about you turn this whole dамn lake into вееr".
*РООF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hеll did you do that for, now we have to рiss in the boat!!"

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Genie jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A cop pulls a guy over:
Sir, why were you speeeding?
Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I became really drunк.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor.
Doctor:
"What happened?"
Woman:
"Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunк, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor:
"I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:
"Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunк, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor:
"You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either ruм, vоdка, or whiskey.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes New year jokes