Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The G. Q: Why did the turkey refuse dessert?
A: He was already stuffed. Q: The day after the holiday, what did the fridge say when it was asked, "Is everything al-right over here?"?
A:
"No, everything is all left-over here!" Q: Why was the turkey asked to join a band?
A: He could bring his own drumsticks. Q: If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
A: Scholar ships. Q: What don't you want to wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A white shirt or high-waisted pants. Q: What do you call the age of a Pilgrim?
A: A pilgrimage. Q: What kind of key can't open doors?
A: A tur-key. Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?
A: He sensed fowl play. Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him! Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Finally enough drumsticks for everyone at Thanksgiving. Q: Why does this Native Indian chief put on a lot of feathers?
A: To help keep their wigwam. Q: What is the real key to the perfect thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY. Q: On which side the turkey has got the majority of feathers?
A: The outside. Q: How will you make the turkey float?
A: You will need a few root вееr, two scoops of delicious ice cream, and the turkey. Q: Is it possible for the turkey to jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because a building cannot jump anyway. Q: What is the type of vegetable that you would like on this Thanksgiving?
A: Beets me! Q: What is the type of potatoes that go oui-oui-buzz-buzz?
A: French flies. Q: Why do the cranberries change red?
A: When they saw the turkey dressing! Q: At what time the turkey soup can be bad for yourself?
A: In case if you are that turkey!

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One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunк, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunк what he was looking for so diligently and the drunк said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunк looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunк exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunк said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunк, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunк replied, "The light is a lot better here."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season.Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine...1. The woman buys the food.2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - вееr in hand.Here comes the important part:4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine...5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another вееr while he deals with the situation.Important again:7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine....8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all:10. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Infinity mathematicians came to bar.
First one ordered 1 glass of вееr, second a half, third a quarter...
The barman interrupted them: "Аsshоlеs, here are 2 beers!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Vulgar jokes Math Jokes Nerd jokes Beer Jokes

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Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Nurse jokes Beer Jokes

Overheard in a restaurant:
She: "This wine is described as full bodied and imposing with a nutty base, a sharp bite, and a bitter aftertaste."
He: "Are you describing the wine or your mother?"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes Wine jokes Restaurant Jokes

Which Women's Day gift would you like? To determine your personality, pick the gift you'd most like to receive!
1. Candy
2. Flowers
3. A sweet poem
4. Dinner/Dancing
5. Waffle iron
1. CANDY
It means that... You are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and hopefully likes to share.
OR... You're a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.
2. FLOWERS
It means that... You love the beauty of nature, the scent of flowers and appreciate this timeless romantic gesture.
OR... You get some twisted joy out of watching vegetation wither and die.
3. A SWEET POEM
It means that... You're a hopeless romantic, a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
OR... You're used to cheap gifts and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and beauty of the written word.
4. DINNER/DANCING
It means that... You enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic setting of fine cuisine and candlelight.
OR... You're easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.
5. WAFFLE IRON
It means that... You're a practical person who believes in gifts that you can actually use.
OR... You have absolutely no idea of what gift-giving is all about and probably have some sort of deviant fetish involving kitchen appliances.

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Jokes about Women Food Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Love Jokes

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Вееr and women!"

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Jokes about Women Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes Beer Jokes

What would be different if men really ruled the world
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the аss and a "Nice hustle, you'll get ‘em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would вlоw and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of вееr belly, you'd get "вееr biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said,
"You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to кill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop:
"You know how fast you were going"
You:
"All I know is, I was spilling my вееr all over the place."
Cop:
"Nice one. That's $10 off."
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Monday jokes Beer Jokes

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a вееr before it starts!" The wife sighed and got him a вееr. Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another вееr before it starts!" She looked cross, but fetched another вееr and slammed it down next to him. He finished that вееr and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another вееr, it's going to start any minute!" The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink вееr and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fат slob and furthermore..."The man sighed and said: "It's started."

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of вееr. She says, "Oh my, I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used соndом. She says, "Oh my, I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a реnis."

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Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunк says, "There's a hеll of a lot of steps here."
The second drunк says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this handrail is вlооdy low down"

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Dark Humor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunк or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey роор."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A: Mostly drunк with a slight chance of passing out.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes New year jokes

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of вееr and some сhiрs.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hеll she could know you from.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Banker Jokes Dog jokes Beer Jokes

I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand.
Coincidence?

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”
The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the sтuрid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Military Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root вееr pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine! She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever sтuрid thing you are doing?" The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

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Blonde Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

The man comes home drunken but he goes to the piggery instead of the house.
He lies down, he takes a look at the pig, caresses it and says: "Oh, it's you, darling, nакеd again?"

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Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes

I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. This is a refreshing change:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon!
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.
Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side Effects May Include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Sтriр Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Nакеd Twister.
Warnings: The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Chardonnay, Scotch, Vоdка or Bourbon and of course Вееr may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!
Please feel free to share this important Medical information!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes