Bar and Bartender Jokes

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Безброй математици влизат в един бар. Безкраен брой математици влизат в един бар. Математици An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits." Eine unendliche Anzahl Mathematiker geht in eine Bar. Der erste bestellt ein Bier, der zweite ein halbes Bier, der nächste 1/4, und so geht das eine ganze Weile weiter… Der Barkeeper zapft 2 Bier,...
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Прочут каубой влиза в местното барче: Дивия запад. Излиза един от кръчма, бил си оставил коня отвън. Гърми с пистолета нагоре и пита: Kommt ein Cowboy in den Saloon und schreit: Ein erzürnter Mann betritt den Saloon und fragt: Δεύτερο χέρι Δευτερο χερι. Μια μέρα, ένας καουμπόη, μπαίνει νευριασμένος σ` ένα σαλούν και φωνάζει: - "Ποιος έβαψε το άλογό μου πράσινο;" Δεν παίρνει απάντηση, και ξαναρωτάει: - "Ποιος έβαψε το άλογό μου πράσινο;" Σηκώνεται... Ένας κοντός cowboy, γύρω στο 1.60, μπαίνει αγριεμένος στο σαλούν και χτυπώντας το χέρι του στο μπαρ ουρλιάζει: - Ποιός από εσάς ρε, έβαψε το άλογό μου πράσινο; Τότε πετάγεται ένας τύπος γύρω στα... GIRARE RAPIDAMENTE LA FRITTATA! Un pistolero vede che il suo fido cavallo é stato completamente dipinto con vernice rossa. Furibondo entra nel saloon e, accarezzando nervosamente i calci delle sue... Siamo nel Far West: il solito saloon pieno di cow boy. Entra un uomo arrabbiatissimo perché qualcuno aveva dato una mano di vernice al suo cavallo, sella compresa. Apostrofa con tono di sfida gli... O cowboy deixa o saloon, depois de uns bons tragos, e na hora de montar em seu cavalo descobre que o animal está com os testículos pintados de verde. Furioso, faz meia volta sobre as botas de bico... Det var en gang sent på 1800-tallet i Texas USA at en sliten cowboy bestemte seg for å ta en hvil. Han hadde ridd langt og var tørst etter en øl. Han kom til en saloon nær Santa Fe, parkerte hesten...
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A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”
The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the sтuрid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”
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The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a smallcongregation in a little Pennsylvania town.
One day, he was walking down Main Street andhe happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar,drinking вееr. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of hiscongregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next tothe woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend saidsternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me takeyou home?" "Sure," she said with a slur, obviouslyvery drunк. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to
weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and hegrabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance andtumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lyingon top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said,"Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said,"But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well if you're thatfar into the game, you may as well finish!"
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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"
The guy answers, "A scotch, please."
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"
The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
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A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can рiss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins рissing.
He starts рissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there.
He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could рiss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
Клиент на заведение отишъл при бармана и му казал: Walks Into a Bar... Pissing Contest An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I... Un hombre está en un bar y le dice al camarero: - Le apuesto 200 dólares que yo orino en el vaso que está a 5 metros sin tirar ninguna gota de orina en el piso. - Bueno - le contesta el camarero.... Un type entre dans un bar et se dirige vers le barman. Il lui dit : - Je parie 200 balles que j'arrive à pisser dans ce verre posé sur le bar sans mettre une goutte à côté ! - D'accord, dit le... C'est un homme un peu saoul qui entre dans un bar et qui dit au barman : - Je te parie cinquante euros que j'arrive à remplir mon verre de pisse sans en mettre une goutte à côté. - Ok, pari tenu.... Το χαμόγελο Certo dia um bêbado chegou no bar, e depois de tomar umas dez doses chegou para o dono do bar e disse: — Eu aposto 20 reais que eu mijo nesse copo, sem deixar cair uma gota no chão? Com a oportunidade de ganhar um dinheiro fácil em cima do bêbado o dono do bar aceitou a aposta. O bêbado,... En man var på en pub och festade med ett par av sina vänner. Efter ett tag med biljardspelande och drickande så viskar han nåt till sina kompisar. Ett par minuter senare så gick han över till bartendern och beställer en tequila. Efter att han svept... Op een rustige avond in een kroeg stapt een kerel op de barkeeper af. "Goedenavond," zegt de man, "mag ik u wat vragen?" "Tuurlijk", zegt de barkeeper. "Ik zou graag een kleine weddenschap met u... Een man loopt vanaf de biljarttafel naar de bar in een café en zegt tegen de barkeeper: "Ik wil graag wedden dat ik in dat glas daar 5 meter verderop kan pissen zonder dat er iets naastkomt!" De... Un client vine la barman si-i spune: - Vezi paharul ala de acolo? Pun pariu pe 300$ ca ma pis in el fara sa dau o picatura pe jos. Barmanul: Nu te cred, ai ca sustin pariul. Se pisa clientul peste... Rusų bare lietuvis sako barmenui: - Matai tą bokalą kampe, lažinamės iš šimto rublių, kad aš iš čia jį pilną primyšiu. Barmenas: - Lažinamės, kad ne. Ir pradeda lietuvis myšt, bet myža visur, ant...
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Влиза един каубой в бар, отива до бармана: Мужик в час ночи заходит в какой-то бар и заказывает кружку пива. Бармен говорит: Certa noite, um homem entra num restaurante, vai até ao balcão e pede uma cerveja. — Com certeza, senhor! — Quanto é? — 20 centavos! — 20 centavos? — grita o homem, sem querer acreditar. — Sim, é... Przychodzi do knajpy facet i mówi do kelnera: - Setka i zakąska. Kelner przynosi, gość wypija, przekąsza i mówi do kelnera: - Chciałbym zapłacić. Kelner na to: - Nic pan nie płaci, na koszt firmy.... En man gick in på ett kafé, gick till baren och beställde en öl. - Visst, det blir en cent. - En cent? utropade mannen. Han tittade på menyn och frågade: - Hur mycket kostar en trevlig saftig stek... En engelsman kom in på en bar i Kina. Han satte sig ner och beställde en singel-malt whisky. Servitören sa på sin något knaggliga kinesiska engelska: – THATS VERY NICE SIR, NO PROBLEM SIR, ONLY 5...
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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. 
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. 
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. 
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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