Medical and Doctor Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Medical and Doctor Jokes
Application For Permission To Date My Daughter.
=======================================
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME: ___________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH: ____________HEIGHT: _______________ WEIGHT: __________________ IQ: _______________INCOME TAX NUMBER: ________________ DRIVERS LICENSE: _______________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: ________________________________________HOME ADDRESS: ____________________ CITY: ___________ POSTCODE: _____Do you have parents? Yes ___No_____Is one male and the other female Yes ___No_____If No, explain: _______________________________________________________Number of years they have been married: ________________________________If less than your age, explain: ___________________________________________ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? Yes __No__B. A truck with oversized tyres? Yes __No__C. A waterbed? Yes __No__D. A vehicle with a mattress in the back? Yes __No__E. A tattoo? Yes __No__F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a bellybutton ring? Yes __No__(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNINGESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ________________REFERENCES SECTION:Church you attend: __________________________________________________How often you attend: ________________________________________________When would be the best time to interview your:Father? _______________________Mother? ______________________Priest or Pastor? _______________SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _________________
B: If I were beaten, the last воnе I would want broken is my: ________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ___________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _____________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________________________I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS.
- _________________________________________________________________Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, моrоn!)_______________________________ ____________________________Mother's Signature Father's SignaturePastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here)Notary PublicThank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sеxuаl. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. Daddy's Rules for DatingYour dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and beep you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sеx without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can кill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sеx, I am the barrier, and I will кill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is:
'early.'Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sеxuаl themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay... Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice раddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Medical and Doctor Jokes Hotel Jokes Priest Jokes
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says,
"I'm sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can do about it."
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible! That can't be!"
The Doctor says,
"What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"
The patient answers, "I'm no doctor but it doesn't take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine."
"So what?" says the doctor "What difference does that make?"
"Well it doesn't hurt a bit, and it's the SAME AGE!"
Една баба отишла на доктор. El medico y sus teorias Το αριστερό πόδι Ein Mann kommt zum Arzt und hat fürchterliche Schmerzen in seinem linken Bein. Der Arzt untersucht ihn und stellt fest: "Tja, mein lieber, da kann man nichts machen. Das sind wohl die ersten Altersbeschwerden!" Daraufhin der Patient: "Ach was! Mein anderes Bein ist genauso alt und da zwickt nix!" En una consulta médica un hombre de avanzada edad escucha a su medico que le dice su diagnostico: El dolor de su pierna derecha se produce por su avanzada edad. El paciente muy convencido le dice: No, porque la otra pierna tiene la misma edad y no me duele En el médico: - Doctor, me duele esta pierna - Eso es cosa de la edad - Ya, doctor, pero esta otra pierna tiene la misma edad y no me duele... Komt een dom blondje de dokterspraktijk binnenlopen en zegt tegen de dokter “Ik heb de laatste tijd toch zo'n last van mijn linkerbeen, heeft u misschien een idee wat het zou kunnen zijn?” De... Va un anciano de 80 años al médico y le dice: - Doctor, la pierna izquierda me duele mucho. A lo que el doctor le responde: - No se preocupe hombre, que eso es por la edad. Y el anciano le... A man with pain on his right knee consulted his doctor. Doctor said: "It is nothing to worry about. It is due to old age." Patient: "The left knee is of the same age. But how is it that leg does... Un batran se duce la doctor Si ii spune ca il doare piciorul drept. - Nimic grav, spune doctorul. Varsta e de vina. - Nu cred. Piciorul stang are aceeasi Varsta si nu ma doare. „Pane Novák, ty bolesti ve vaší noze jsou prostě věkem.” „Divné. Moje druhá noha je úplně stejně stará a nebolí!” An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old... O velhinho vai ao médico e reclama de dor na perna direita. O médico o examina, examina e não acha nada de errado. — A sua perna não tem nada. Está perfeita! — Então, por que é que dói? — Ah, deve... Doktor: - "Bacağınızdaki ağrı sadece ihtiyarlıktan." Hasta: - "Öbür bacağım da aynı yaşta ama turp gibi." Er komt een vrouw bij de dokter. Ze zegt: 'Dokter, ik heb heel erg last van mijn rechterbeen. Heeft u misschien enig idee wat het kan zijn?' Antwoordt de Dokter: 'Ik denk dat dat komt door...
Medical and Doctor Jokes
Medical and Doctor Jokes
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
Medical and Doctor Jokes Cheating Jokes
Medical and Doctor Jokes Banker Jokes
Student jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dad Jokes