Men jokes - Page 116

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.
"What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

0 0

No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate реnis wrapped in money that еjасulатеs diamonds.

0 0

Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes One-Liner Jokes Chocolate Jokes

People are saying that when Sir Alex Ferguson retires, Man Utd won’t be as good any more, and I think that’s absolute вullshiт.
Howard Webb still has a good few years left in him.
----------
If the world does end, I’m standing by Sir Alex Ferguson. That c*nt always seems to get an extra 10 minutes than everybody else.
----------
Manchester United have successfully renegotiated their contract with referee Howard Webb for next season.
Sir Alex Ferguson has said, “He’s on a no win, no fee basis.”
----------
Apparently Alex Ferguson received a red card in the tunnel from today’s referee Howard Webb.
It said ‘Happy Valentines day’ on the front.
----------
David De Gea’s attempt to hand in a transfer request has failed after he dropped it before he could get to Sir Alex Ferguson’s office
----------
Breaking News - Luis Suares has been arrested for the мurdеr of Whitney Houston. Eye witness Patrice Evra said he saw Suares кill her 10 times in the racially motivated attack. Sir Alex Ferguson has called for the death penalty. Kenny Daglish said he has never heard of Whitney Houston and has questioned whether she has ever actually existed. Referee Howard Webb saw it all.
----------
Sir Alex Ferguson is helping his Grandson with his maths homework.
“Grandad, what is 90 plus 3?”
“Not enough, that’s a fuскing disgrace!”, He screamed.
----------
Independent front page says Alex Ferguson will ‘let Rooney go’. My guess is to Juventus, he could never turn down the advances of an Old Lady.
-----------
Alex Ferguson: “Michael, get your tracksuit off, son”
Michael Owen: “Am I going on to save the day, boss?”
Alex Ferguson: “No son… Giggsy’s getting cold.”
------------

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Sports Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes News and Politics Jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Boss Jokes

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'

0 0

Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

A blonde watching the news hears that 2 Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident. She cries and says, "Oh my god, how many is a brazilian?"

0 0

News and Politics Jokes God Jokes Blonde Jokes Men jokes

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug all seven down almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."

0 0

Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Anti-Humor Jokes

A police officer pulled a man over and as he approached the window he immediately drew his gun and screamed "Where's the little girl!" The man said, "What little girl?!" The officer aimed his gun and yelled again "SHOW ME THE LITTLE GIRL!!" The man now in tears and bawling said, "I SWEAR I DON'T KNOW!" The officer smiled and said, "Oh, there's the little girl."

0 0

Men jokes

This dudes walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunк. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him. "Aye you!" he shouts ."I've shagged your mom!!" The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings. Half an hour later the drunк stands up and renews his abuse. "Aye you!" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mom up the аss!" The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with his friends although by now visibly irate. Half a hour later the drunк pipes up once again. "Aye you, your mom suскеd my diск!!" By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and retorts, "For god sake Dad go home, you're embarassing me!"

0 0

God Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Relationship Jokes Priest Jokes

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her," she says.

0 0

Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

Men are proof that women can take a joke.

0 0

Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

One day a man lied down on a nudе beach. Little Johnny comes up to the man, points to his реnis and asks what it was. "Oh, that's my birdie." said the man. "Oh." little Johnny replies. The man fell asleep. When the man woke up, he found himself in the hospital. He looked around to find little Johnny at his bedside. "Hey kid, what happened?", asked the man. "Oh," says little Johnny. "I tried to pet your birdie. It tried to spit water at me, so I cracked it's eggs and burnt it's nest."

0 0

Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sеx." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sеx life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

0 0

Sports Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

A man siting at a bar asked a pretty woman sitting next to him, Excuse me, but can I smell your рussy?"
"Get away from me, you pervert," she replied. "Oh, I'm sorry," exclaims the man, "It must be your feet."

0 0

Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Men jokes Boycott Jokes

Real country music is lying on the floor with that bottle of Jack Daniel's by your side 'cause a woman's gone and walked across your heart like a Samoan man in golf shoes.

0 0

Jokes about Women Blue Collar Jokes Men jokes

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice:
"You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."
"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

0 0

Nationality Jokes Men jokes Aviation Jokes Dad Jokes Australia Jokes Hotel Jokes

There once was a guy and he had a beautiful girlfriend named Lorraine. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was smoking hott. They began to like each other. But, he was a loyal man and wouldn't get involved with Clearly as long as he was going out with Lorraine. He attempted to break up with Lorraine several times but he couldn't do it. Then one day Lorraine and him were walking along the river bank. Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing... "I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."

0 0

Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Banker Jokes

Three guys are skydiving and the first guy throws a brick out the window, the second guy throws a stone out the window, and the third guy throws a grenade out the window. When they land they decide to go walk into town, so they are walking down the street until they see a woman crying. The first guy asks, "Whats wrong?" The woman says, "A brick fell out the sky and killed my cat." So they continue down the street then see a young boy crying. The second guy asks, "Whats wrong?" The boy said that a stone fell out of the sky and killed his dog. They continue down the road until they see the man laughing his аss off. The third guy asks, "Whats so funny?" The man says, "I веnт down to pick up my news paper and I farted and my house blew up."

0 0

Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Men jokes

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A nакеd man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"

0 0

Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes Friendship Jokes