Sex Jokes - Page 2

Q: What are three words you dead the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

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A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, "They tell me that you are a real lady killer."
The doctor smiled and shook his head. "No, I make no distinction between the sexes."

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well.
They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly соскs her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
"Why are you nакеd?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."
"Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a nакеd man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the f**k are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are nакеd!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little ваsтаrds!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Love Jokes

Three women were debating about how wide their рussy are.
The first one said: "When my husband makes sеx he puts his реnis and his testicles in my рussy."
The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine."
It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her рussy and said: Jimy; Jimy come out, please."

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Communication Jokes

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and РООF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and РООF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sеx with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"

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Sex Jokes Money jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Genie jokes Ugly Jokes

A priest passed near a young boys gang that were hanging out next to the church. He went close to them and asked them: "What are you boys doing there?"
"Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sеxuаl life, wins!"
"Oh, boys!" surprised said the priest. "When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sеx!"
And the boys unanimously:
"You won, Father!"

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Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Priest Jokes Church jokes Priest Jokes

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two аssеs, they come together again. I come again and рее twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swinе,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sеx lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

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News and Politics Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he веnт down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."
She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sеx for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife,
"Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"
Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hеll, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says."Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

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Sex Jokes Friday jokes

A man was talking to his wife about going to the social security office.
He said he would go the next day.
So the next morning he goes but when he gets there he realized he forgot his license and she said that was fine she could tell his age by the hair on his chest. So he opened his shirt and everything went smoothly.
He got home and told his wife what happened and she said: "well honey if you would have pulled down your pants you could have filed for disability."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Communication Jokes

Superman was flying around Metropolis when he noticed Wonder Woman lying totally nакеd, spread-eagle on her bed.
He thought, "Hmm... I could fly through that open window and be in and out before she even knew what hit her!"
With nothing more than a rustle of the curtains, Superman was on his way, thinking, "Wow! She is really tight!"
Back in her bedroom, Wonder Woman sat up asking, "What in Amazonia was that?!"
The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my аsshоlе sure hurts!"

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Aviation Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Superhero Jokes

In Kent a business man was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Essex and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings!"

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Sex Jokes Secretary Jokes Math Jokes Dirty jokes

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sеx, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sеx with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said,'Everything appears to be fine.. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem.. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sеx with you the first time;and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old ваsтаrd'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him, and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sеx. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sеx was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!"
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hеll did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"

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Sports Jokes Animal Jokes Sex Jokes

- You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
- If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
- The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
- You don't have to keep in touch with the person who gives you some.
- 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
- If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
- It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning with pleasure.
- You can do the whole neighborhood.

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God Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

Q: Why do accountants make good lovers?
A: They're great with figures.

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Accountant Jokes Sex Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Nerd jokes

Q: What did Snow White say to Pinocchio when she was sitting on his face?
A: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Communication Jokes

The famous sеx therapist was on the radio taking questions when acaller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes One-Liner Jokes

A middle aged Irish woman went to her doctor to ask advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viаgrа?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop the Viаgrа tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it... Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
When she called the doctor he asked how it went and she exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you said and slipped it in his coffee and after just a few sips he jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Do you mean the sеx your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Bejaysus, it was the best sеx I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Viagra jokes Coffee Jokes

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says:
"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this café, went round the corner behind the gasworks, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with agrin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the café. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sеx the man has ever seen. The little old man is ваnging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shаg like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed them selves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shаg like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shаg like that50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fуcking fence wasn't electrified."

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Sex Jokes

I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69.
She said, "No, but I have done 53 - that's all the sailors I could sсrеw in one night."

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Sailor Jokes