Sex Jokes

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Q: The male sеx has two hobbies. What are they?
A: His left hand and his right hand.

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A man asks his buddy: "Listen to me! Why has your wife left you, if I may ask?"
And he says, "you know, she has told me that I am weak in the bed."
"Oh, that is really sad. And what do you do to improve it?"
And he says again: "you know, I have bought one book, the name of this book is Kamasutra, you know I am helping myself with the hand, I have learned all positions, but the last position I am not gonna make."
"And what is the name of this position?"
"You know, imagine the missionary position."

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I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.

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I hope you're into yoga, cause you're going to get a good stretch tonight.

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Why pay $5 at Subway when you can get this footlong for free?

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"Name?"
"Abdul Aziz."
"Sеx?"
"Three to five times a day."
"No, no... I mean male or female?"
"Yes, male, female, sometimes camel."
"Holy соw!"
"Yes, соw, sheep, animals in general."
"But isn't that hostile?"
"Horse style, doggy style, any style!"
"Oh dear!"
"No, no! Deer run too fast..."

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What's the difference between basketball and sеx?
In basketball you dribble before you shoot!

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The fingers of my girlfriend were in my pants;
I asked her "Is it thick?"
She said "yes dear."
Again I asked: "Is it warm?"
She replied: "yes honey."
Then I asked: "Is it soft?"
She said, "yes of course."
"It is my shiт!" I told her.

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Yo momma's сliтоris is as long as my diск.

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Roses are red
violets are blue.
My diск has glue
I offer it to you.

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A guy went to a supermarket and began to smoke.
Miss salesman: "Sir don't smoke here."
Guy: "I've just bought the cigarettes from here."
Miss salesman: "We sell condoms too; so that is not why you fuск me here."

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There are an older brother and a younger sister.
The sister went to the bathroom while the brother was in the bathroom.
The sister asks the brother if she could play with his diск and he says yeah.
A few weeks later there was a big storm and the sister goes to the brother's room and asked the brother if she could play with Mr.Cuddles he says no.
Then the sister said that she would tell on him so a little рissеd of he says yes.
After a while, the parents hear a scream.
They rush to the brother's room and asks the sister what happened she said "Mr.Cuddles spat on me so I bit his head off."

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A Girl was toweling her wet рussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until...
...the рussy cried "Meow" and runs away.
Moral Lessons
1. Be kind to Animals
2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

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Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?
She asks, "What?"
"Sеx!!!"
Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fаrт, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says,
"But it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O. K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

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Q: What's the difference between acne and a Roman Catholic Priest from the Vatican?
A: Acne would wait until you're at least 13 before it would сuм on your face!

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‘During sеx, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.’
Rodney Dangerfield

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A boy washed with his mum in the bathroom and saw her vаginа and asks:
"what the hеll is this".
"It is called a cave" replied the mother.
The next day he washed with his father and saw his diск and asks
"what the heck is this".
"This is called little Johnny".
The next day he went to school and his teacher was mad that he came late to school so she told him to sing a song.
He started to sing
"when the black clouds came out of the mountain little Johnny ran into the cave."

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A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting on the road. He stops. And he asks him:
- Hey, What happens to you?
- (crying) Look! and he points a crashed car.
- Well, don't care and buy another car.
- Look inside the car!
- Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all.
- Look inside her mouth!!!

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An evening of Valentine's Day. A man comes to a drug store:
"Good evening!"
"Sorry, we are sold out..."

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Peter approaches the gates of Heaven.
"Knock knock," says Peter.
Miraculously, someone answers him.
"Who's there," a voice in the distance asked.
"God," says Peter.
"God who," asked the voice?
"GOD DАММIТ open these gates!
I've been a good neighbor, loved my wife and lost my virginity, twice!"

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