Women - Page 40

Q: Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
A: They don't have any ваlls to scratch.

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Why do they call it РМS?
Because Mad Соw Disease was already taken.

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Insult Jokes Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes Cow jokes

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry," the woman said.
"Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed.
"You’re certainly a courageous woman," he said.
"Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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Dentist Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A woman was standing nакеd, looking herself at the mirror.
She was not satisfied with what she was looking at and said to her husband:
"I feel awful. I look old, fат, and ugly. I really need a compliment right now."
Her husband replied:
"Your vision is perfectly nice!"
...and then the fight started.

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Fat Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes

A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principals.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.
"Mom, can I еsсоrт Helen?"
The girl, waiting to hear a cold hearted "no", she surprised hears:
"Sure... You can! Еsсоrт her... to the corner with your eyes!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes

Jennifer, wanna go to my place?
I am not Jennifer
But I didn't ask about that...

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes

Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets.
They do so within groups of 40.

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Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Science jokes

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights.
He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel.
There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit.
After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

I was hiking once with my girlfriend.
Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad.
We must have come close to her cubs.
Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.
One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took.
I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Happy Father's Day to the top three most likely candidates.

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Jokes about Women Make My Day Laughs Sex Jokes Kids Jokes Father's Day Jokes

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up -- because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed -- because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

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What did the male squirrel say when the female attacked him...
Get away from my nuts.

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Men jokes

The Perfect Man
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical.
Tell jokes.
Sing.
And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"

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Jokes about Women Technology Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Coffee Jokes

Herm is 85 years old and retired.
He gets a checkup with his physician.
A week or so afteward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you!
I said, ‘Your heart's got a murmur.
Be careful.’”

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body.
The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her.
Doctor tells in surprise:
"I thought your husband was out of town."
"So did I..."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end…
"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can’t buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food.
The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can’t have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food.
Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did.
She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you’re satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Food Jokes Dog jokes

Why are all jokes about women one-liners?
So men can understand them.

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Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Men jokes

There were three women who always hung their laundry out in the backyard.
Two of the women noticed Sophie never had her laundry out on days that it rained.
One day, they were all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women said to Sophie, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," said Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Paul. If his реnis is hanging over his right leg, I know I can hang out the wash. If his реnis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if it is pointed straight up?" asked one of the women.
"On a day like that, I don't bother with the laundry."

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