Two blondes were talking in heaven, they were discussing how they died. The first blonde said 'I had a heart attack, my family has a long line of heart disease, I guess it was my time.' The second blonde said ' oh.. I froze to death, it was NOT the way I wanted to die, its too late now.' 'the first blonde asked, 'what is it like to freeze to death?' 'It is cold, but soon its kinda peaceful, once you know you're dying. What happened before you had your heart attack? 'the first blonde answered ' I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I went home early. my car is really old, so my husband probably could hear me pull into the driveway. That give his girlfriend plenty of time to hide. when I walked into the house, it was quiet. I ran up to out bedroom and found my husband watching tv in bed. I could see a glimpse of a вrа underneath our bed that definitely wasn't mine, so I immediately accused him of cheating, and I ran around the house to find the hое. I checked in every room, but when I got to the attic, I had a heart attack that instantly killed me.' the second blonde moaned 'shame, if you had only looked in the freezer, we would both still be alive.'
In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire. A Nigerian family of six соn artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew to Los Angeles and met with the fire chief on television. They loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, and gangbangers all died in the fire, and only the white couple survived. The fire chief said, "Please don't get upset. The reason those fellow citizens survived was because they were at work."
I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?”
I replied, “No, you sick fсuк. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”
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Met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sеx there and then.
God, I love my new Taser.
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“There’s a spider in the bedroom,” screamed my wife, “Get it out Dave! Please get it out!”
“I don’t know why they turn you on so much,” I said, unzipping my jeans.
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I was recently on Safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two huge male lions, taking it in turns to shаg each other.
I thought, “Fсuк me, have they got no pride?”
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Last christmas I got some toy soldiers,
To play with when I’m in bed,
But I got bored with my seargents and majors,
So I played with my privates instead.
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My wife bought some jeggings.
I said, “What are they then?”
She said, “They’re a cross between jeans and leggings”.
I said, “Oh right, well get your farse in the kitchen and make me a sandwich, you stunt”.
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I was watching роrn with the missus and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny соскs.”
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their вrеаsтs.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then… Try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
“Yesterday?” I replied.
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I’ve just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:
“Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there’ll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you’ve finished, come into the bedroom and I’ll suск you dry ;)”
Fcuk that, it’ll take ages. I’ll just use a towel.
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My new girlfriend just found out that I’m 42.
She said, “You told me that you were 28 and a half!”
I said, “I am if you think about it.”
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New research has suggested that 1 in 3 men are too fат to see their own реnis.
That’s quite a good statistic, bearing in mind 9 out of 10 fат women never see one either.
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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
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I was just about to go speed-dating, when I asked my mate for some advice.
“Just agree with what she says,” he said, “and, more importantly, act as if you like everything she likes.”
“Thanks, mate,” I said, before trotting off to the venue.
I arrived and took my seat. As I sat at the table a stunning blonde girl came over…”Hi,” she said. “I’m going to put this out in the open right now: I love nothing more than suскing соск and being fcuked up the аss.”
“Me too!” I replied.
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After hot passionate sеx last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said “You know, You are by far the biggest I’ve ever had”
Apparently, “Ditto” is not the right response…
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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.”
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”
“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”
“It is,” I said.
“No, it isn’t,” she said.
“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fсuкing chessboard up your аss.”
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This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
“My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
“What? That fат ugly fсuкеr I see every morning outside your house?”
“Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
“Why would Dave the milkman want to fсuк that?”
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Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, “Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play.”
“But mum” wailed the child, “There’s no one to play with.”
“OK,” said the mother wearily, “I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?
“Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed.”
So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.
The boy put on his father’s fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.
Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,”Now what do I do?”
The boy answered, “Get your аss out of bed you whоrе and fix that kid some fсuкing ice cream!”
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset.
You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!” And Раddy (for it was he) replied, “Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.
“Fine, go ahead”, she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And Раddy began -
“Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirтy.
She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirтy and full of holes so threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sеxy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use, just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same…”
Here Раddy took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
“Please, ….. do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use”