All my life I have been too compassionate and trusting. Always the sucker with a soft heart. …
I really need to vent. I’m just so sick of people, I can’t believe it. I have had enough!!!! I will never help anyone again……EVER!! I’m just DONE with people! …
Yesterday, I decided to take a man into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for the guy. Poor thing was standing out in the cold, without a stitch of clothing on, just a smile from ear to ear. …
…
When I got up this morning, he had just vanished! Not a word…not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! NOTHING! …
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Oh, and the last straw?!?! The realization that he must have deliberately peed everywhere when I discovered the huge puddle he left on the living room floor!!! That’s the thank you I get for being good to people?!?!?! I’m just done with humanity…
…
Now I’m going to warn you to watch out for this man! He’s somewhere around the north of New York state. He is heavy set with a very pale complexion, wearing nothing but a scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks!!! Don’t bring him into your house!! What a huge mess he made on my floor!
Merry Christmas!!!
The REAL Night Before Christmas
(By Parents)
'Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
I searched for the tools
To hand to my spouse
Instructions were studied
And we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage
"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot!
And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,
My heart skipped a beat -
Let no parts be missing
Or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept веnт at our work,
Till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not run to the store for one single thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went, though I suppose
There's something to say for those self-deluded-
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday will be called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to “A great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreydl will be the more generic “Miraculous stuff happens.” In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
At the press conference close, all attendees joined hands and sang a rousing rendition of “Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.”
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat ….
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat …
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook …
It was time for some nоокy, by hook or by crook.
…
…
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my еrестiоn and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,
Showed a broom up his аss, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fат little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a вrа on his head.
Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
“Whoa Shiтhеаd, whoa Аsshоlе, whoa Sтuрid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.”
“Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go рее.”
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my аss,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a вuм and he smelled like a whоrе.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,
“The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.”
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his рескеr and рissеd in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false тiтs,
The next was a handgun with a johnson that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,
And a six pair of раnтiеs, the edible kind.
A вrа without niррlеs, a реnis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.
A соск ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildо so long, it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will sh!t,
So I’ll leave ’em here, and then I’ll just split.”
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny вuтт plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his аss and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a вiтсh!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
“The best thing about sеx is that it never wears out!”