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Christmas Jokes

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Due to finances this year, I'd like to request we lower it from the twelve days of Christmas down to eight.
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My donkey ate my Christmas tree…total pine in the аss.
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Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers. Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. “Lena, vat ever happened tew our sеx relations?” he asked. …
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“Vell, Ole, I yust don’t know,” replied Lena. “I don’t tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.”
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What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
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What's red and white, red and white, red and white? Sant rolling off your roof.
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Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true.
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(FWIW. “Sven and Ollie” are two yokels or hillbillies. They are popular subjects in Norwegian and Swedish jokes, often told in Minnesota and northern climates.. They typically are not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree.) …
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Sven and Ollie buy a mule. But when they get it home, they can’t get it into the barn. It just won’t go.
Sven says, “I know just the problem. He won’t fit through the door because his ears are too long.”
Ollie sees that Sven is right, thinks a bit, and then says, “I know what we can do. We should raise the barn up by a foot, so he’ll fit.”
Sven asks, “Wouldn’t it be easier to dig a ditch for him to walk in?”
Ollie says, “Sven, don’t be such a duммy! It’s his ears that are too long, not his legs!”
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I always get terrible gifts for my wife, but luckily I’ve found her Christmas list.
Eggs
Milk
Bread.
Toilet roll.
Looks like I’m getting a вlоwjов this Christmas.
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How about I slip down your chimney, at half past midnight?
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Hey Cutie ever do it in a sleigh?
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What do you say we make this a Not-so-Silent Night?
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What’s a dinosaur’s least favorite reindeer? …
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Comet
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A blonde was walking in a mall during Christmas time, as she walked by Santa he said "hо hо hо!" She looked back and yelled "sorry! I'm not working right now, but I will tonight!"
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Scene: A man applying for credit 
at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: So what do you do after Christmas?
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I gave my girlfriend an early Christmas present.
“There’s nothing in it,” she said looking puzzled.
“Now you know how I feel every time I take off your вrа.”
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What did OJ Simpson get on Christmas 1993?
A glove, a black knit cap, a knive, and divorce papers
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A man walks into a bar, late one night completely worn out and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies. … …
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“What’s wrong with you?” The barman says. …
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“In my car I’ve got a nymphomaniac - you couldn’t satisfy her if you were there ’til Christmas,” he replies. …
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“We’ll see about that,” says the barman and goes out to the parking lot. …
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He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his flashlight in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman. “It’s all right officer, I’m just shаgging the wife,” he says.
“Oh, I’m sorry sir, I didn’t know it was your wife” replies the cop.
The barman replies -“Neither did I ’til you shone your flashlight!”
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If you love Christmas so much, why don’t you merry it?
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