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Food Jokes

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Q: What is the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day; on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
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Q: What does a kitty like to eat for breakfast?
A: Mice Krispies.
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food."
the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along!
And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!"
the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
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Why So Much Milk?
A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake. When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman."Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?""No," says the woman. "Up to my тiтs will be fine."
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Q: Where do one-legged people eat?
A: IHOP.
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Хагс Лекар чука на вратата на пациент в болницата: Arzt zum Patienten: В палате больного раздается звонок. Звонит лечащий врач: Unterhalten sich zwei Ärzte. Meint der eine: Ein Krankenhaus-Arzt zu seinem Kollegen: "Heute haben wir einen bekommen En mand kommer op til lægen og er meget bekymret. Efter mange undersøgelser kommer lægen med svaret: "De har HAGS." Patienten: "HAGS Muito abatido Ligonio palatoje pasigirsta skambutis: - Klausau. - Čia jūs C'est un gars qui ne va pas bien du tout. Il se rend à l'hôpital. Après une foultitude de tests
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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Yo Momma's so fат, when she goes to Taco Веll, they run for the border!
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Q: What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
A: He went down really well!
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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!
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They say the surest way to a man's heart is through the stomach.
But personally, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
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Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
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La mujer que quiere adelgazar y el médico simpatico Доста пълна пациентка е при доктора: A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness." — Doutor como eu faço pra emagrecer? Trei sfaturi pentru slăbit: 1 - Întoarce capul la dreapta. 2 - Întoarce capul la stânga. 3 - Repetă acest exerciţiu ori de câte ori îţi oferă cineva de mâncare...
A woman is very overweight and goes to see a weight therapist.
The woman asks for some good advices.
The therapist answers like this: "Well you just need to turn your head to the right and to the left when someone asks you if you want to eat at McDonalds."
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The world is like a jar of jelly beans.
Everybody hates the black ones.
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Yo' Mama is so fат, her stair master has a dinner tray attached.
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A preacher's wife goes to the butcher.
The butcher asks if she'd like to try some dамn ham.
The preacher's wife is shocked. The butcher explains that "Dam Ham" is the brand name of the meat and shows her the packaging with the веаvеr and dam logo.
That night, the preacher asks, "What's for dinner?"
His wife says she bought some dамn ham from the butcher. The preacher scolds his wife for using such language in their home. She explains the "Dam Ham brand name and their logo.
At the dinner table, the preacher asks his 16-year-old son to pass him the "Dam Ham."
The son replies, "I'll pass the dамn ham if you pass me the muthaf**kin' mashed potatoes."
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A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.
He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."
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A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
- Do you have any bananas?
- No,I don't. ( says the barman)
- Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
- No,I have not got any bananas!
- Do you have any bananas?
- If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!
- Do you have any nails?
- No,I don't.
- Do you have any bananas?
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Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!
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