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Food Jokes

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Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food.
The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sеx with her.
The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods.
The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded.
So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys.
"Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you sсrеwеd that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"
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Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.
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Q: How do you find how many fат people are in America?
A: Throw a cookie into the street.
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The houseman invited over his boss and partners, for lunch. With them, his little 5year-old daughter was there.
"Don’t you want to say the prayers before lunch, so Our Holly Father give us his blessings?," asks the father.
"But... I don’t know what to say...," the little girl admits.
"Just say what you heard your mommy say last time inside the kitchen!," said her mother to help her.
And the girl: "Oh, God! Why in this life, my husband must invite all these people for lunch?"
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A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Responses:
American: "Keep trying!"
Briton: "Change Doctor!"
Aussie: "Follow a special diet."
Indian: "Practice yoga!"
Pinoy: "Let me try!"
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Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a balanced meal.
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Yo mama's so fат that even Barack Obama couldn't afford to take her out to dinner.
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Yo momma is so fат when she sat on da toilet it said here's a carrot and a diet coke.
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What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
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Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
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A duck walks into a pet store and asked the owner if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner said; “no, I don’t sell duck food here”.
The next day the duck went back to the same pet store, and asked the owner again if he sold “duck-food” here.
The owner became very angry and said; “if you ask me for “duck-food” one more time, I am going to nail your web feet to the floor!”
The duck came back on the third day and asked the owner of the pet store; “do you sell any hammer and nails here?”
The owner answered; “no, I don’t sell any hammer and nails here”.
The duck then asked; “do you sell any “duck-food” here”?
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During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave.
"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."
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Yo' Mama is so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
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A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."
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Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."
Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky 'egg'lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely.
"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."
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A boy asks his mother for breakfast. She says, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy goes outside and says to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicks the chicken. He does the same with the соw and the pig. The boy goes back into the house and tells his mother that he's hungry. His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the соw, so you're not getting any milk, and I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walks down the steps, trips and kicks the cat. The boy says, "Mom, should I tell him?"
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A boy is selling fish on a corne r. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"
A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"
The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds:
"That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the fuскing potatoes!"
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Your theeth are so yellow when you opend the popcorn packet it said "We are family."
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