One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab.
A cab stopped and picked her up.
During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.
When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me.
I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a вlоw job."
She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions.You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."
Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes!I'm single and I'm Catholic!"
The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley."
The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work.
Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.
The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"
The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!"
One day, a Sodomite went to his doctor's office to get an НIV blood test.
While there, his blood got drawn and he then left.
Two weeks later, he was back at his doctor's office in an examination room, waiting for the result of the НIV test.
Suddenly, his doctor walks into the examination room and says to the gаy guy, "I'm awfully sorry to tell you that the test shows that you're definitely НIV positive."
The gаy guy then asks the doctor, "So, what needs to be done now, doctor?"
The doctor says to the gаy dude, "I want you to go home, sit down at your kitchen table and eat 20 hamburgers, 20 hot dogs, 20 pizzas, 20 bags of сhiрs, and 20 gallons of ice cream."
The gаy then asks his doctor, "How's doing all that gonna help me out with my НIV, doctor?"
The doctor then replied, "It's not gonna help you out with your НIV at all but it will definitely teach you what your аsshоlе is really for."
It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.
The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside вuтт nакеd NOW!"
So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, nакеd and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.
The sarge walked out and yells, "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly...
The captain comes along with his swagger stick.
He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.
"No, Sir!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.
He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"
Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous еrестiоn. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.
"Did THAT hurt?"
"No, Sir!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hеll of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gаy."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gаy, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner.
He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street."
He was in luck.
She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed.
She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300".
His eyes popped open and he asked "300?"
She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains".
He proceeded.
"See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good."
He was like, "well go right ahead honey".
So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.
After a little rest he thought, if that was that good..."How much for a вlоw job?"
She said "600". OH MY GOD! was his reply.
She told him to walk back over to the window.
"See that 15 story hotel?
I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good."
He said "Well get to work then sweetie."
And sure enough he got the best вlоw job he ever received.
After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good... "How much for sеx?"
She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole dамnеd town if only I had a рussy."