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My grandfather once told me "your generation is too reliant on technology."
So I replied "no, your generation is too reliant on technology!"
Then I disconnected his life support.

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- Dad, would you like to save some money?
- I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
- Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

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Money jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

What did the banana say to the viвrатоr?
What are you laughing for? She's not going to eat you.

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Food Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Masturbation jokes

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best vоdка out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best vоdка in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vоdка as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

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Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes American Jokes

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!

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School Jokes Kids Jokes

‘Its been a rough day. I put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.’
Rodney Dangerfield

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Sex Jokes

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along.
He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Nurse jokes

Teacher: Your behaviour reminds me of square root of 2?
Student: Why?
Teacher: Because its’ completely irrational.

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School Jokes Science jokes Math Jokes

What does a network administrator say when he gets back to home from work ?
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1!

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Office and Work Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes IT jokes

Yo mama so dumb, she thought seaweed was something that fish smoked.

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Animal Jokes Drug Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Secretary Jokes

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"
The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.
He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But..."
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while.
Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn’t it?"

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Religion jokes Sex Jokes Priest Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Priest Jokes

Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Baby Jokes

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!
Horsy ride!
Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy is relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "HANG ON TIGHT DADDY!
This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

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Little Johnny Jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
"Once upon a time there was a white bunny..."
"Jeez..dad it's boring,what about science fiction?"
"Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.
"Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...."
"Dad, a little more grown up!"
"Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown.
" I swear!"
"Ok", "Once upon a time there was a nакеd bunny..."

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Animal Jokes Parent Jokes Science jokes Dad Jokes

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

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Insult Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes USA Jokes Old People Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes American Jokes

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class, was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office; he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did, and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his реnis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up...

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Animal Jokes

Teen Girl to Friend: "For the prom, I'm renting a limo, spending $500 on a new dress and bringing in the best makeup artist in the state to do my hair."
Teacher who has overheard the conversation: "Wow, that's more than I spent for my wedding!"
Teen Girl: "Yeah, well you can get married three or four times, but a prom is a once in a lifetime experience."

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