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Andy and Annie are watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.
The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”
Annie has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach.
Meanwhile, Andy approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown Annie says, “Andy, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”

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Programming is like sеx.
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Sex Jokes IT jokes Life Jokes

There are a hundred holes in the body of a woman; one of them would be filled with a реnis and 99 others could be filled with money.

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

On Sunday little Johnny with his dad went for bathing.
The ground was slippery.
So poor boy for avoiding of knocking down grabbed his father's реnis.
His father smiled and told him: "Oh boy you are lucky. If you were with your mother you were concussion!"

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Jokes about Women Little Johnny Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time.
She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus.
It'll take you right there."
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus.
That was three hours ago.
Why are you still waiting?"
The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes Police Officer Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Q: Why is a girls рussy like an ocean?
A: It's really wet and has a Sреrм Whale in it.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

Yo mama so fат, the only way scientists found out about space because you could see her from Earth.

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Science jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Happy Father's Day to someone who knew long before me that all the boys I brought home were jerks.

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Kids Jokes Make My Day Laughs Father's Day Jokes Love Jokes

Him: "I'm going to come and see you, I don't care about the gas prices or anything I'm coming to no matter what."
Her: "Aw okay, I'm going to get ready."
Him: "I love you, I can't wait to see you, I'm getting ready to leave."
Her: "Okay honey, I'm on my period, just letting you know."
Him: "My car just blew up, I can't come see you."
Her: "Get your friend to bring you, he always does."
Him: "He got shot I can't come, sorry."
Her: "Never mind I'm not on my period, my раnтiеs are just red."
Him: "My boy said he is okay, he's going to take me, I'm going."
Her: "I'm really on my period."
Him: "Dамn! He got shot again..."

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Gross Jokes Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes

A professor and a doctor both love the same girl.
Each one tries to get rid of the other.
Once, it so happened that the professor had travel out of the country for a week.
Before leaving, he gave his girlfriend seven apples and asked her to eat one every day while he was not there.
When asked why, he replied,"Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away."

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School Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes

Mother: "Why was the phone busy all night?"
Babysitter: "The fire department put me on hold."

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Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes Phone jokes

Yo'Mama is so sтuрid, she threw a baseball at Batman.

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Sports Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes Superhero Jokes

Q: When do Democrats like the idea of a flat tax?
A: After it reaches 95%

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Money jokes Democrat jokes Tax jokes

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?"
She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

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Blonde Jokes

Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
A: Mistle-toes!

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Sports Jokes Christmas Jokes Holiday Jokes

This guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the веll and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Aviation Jokes Dog jokes

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord and nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells, "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Aviation Jokes

Yo momma's сliтоris is as long as my diск.

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Every mobile phone user has complained like this:
Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, because now I have to change the whole text.

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes IT jokes Phone jokes

You are so black when I clicked on your profile pic I thought my phone died.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

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