Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave.
"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."
At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sеx education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sеx education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. Great, said the teacher, that's very important.
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. Well, that has to do with it too, said the teacher. Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sеx education. Yes it does, said Johnny, it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
One day, little Suzie was strolling around the house and just happened to pass by her sister’s room.
She heard her sister say on the phone to her boy friend.
“Your such an as***!” and she hung up.
Suzie asked what as*** had meant and her sister sayin
“Uh… it means… uhh.. boyfriend!”.
Suzie is delighted to hear a new nice word.
Then,She was walking past the bathroom where her dad was shaving.
Her dad had cut himself and yelled “SНIТ!”
Then turniing around saw little Suzie ask what shiт means.
Dad, being quite shocked answered
“It uhh.. It.. It means shaving cream.”
Then, Suzie walked downstairs to help her mom with the dinner turkey.
Suzie’s dad’s boss was coming to dinner tonight.
When Suzie went in the kitchen, her mom accidently cut herself yelled”F***k!”.
Suzie asked what f***k meant and mom replied ” it..it..it uummm…it means cut… yeah, cut.”
Just as mom said that, the doorbell rang and asked Suzie to go and get it.
When Suzie opened the door, her dad’s boss was standing there.
Boss asked” Well hello young lady! Can I ask where your family is?
”Then Suzie said” Well, my sister’s upstairs talking to her as*** on the phone, my dad’s in the bathroom wiping the shiт off his face and my mom’s in the kitchen f***g the turkey!”
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian.
She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian."
The teacher asks, "So what are you then? "
The girl replies, "I'm an atheist."
The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the girl why she's an atheist.
The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. "
That's no reason." she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a моrоn, and your Dad was a моrоn. What would you be then?"
"Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."