Most Popular Jokes

Drinking all day at a bar a man stumbles to the restroom to throw up.
He doesn't make it in time and pukes all over the front of his shirt.
As the drunк returned to the bar the bartender asks: "what the hеll happened?"
The drunк is very upset explaining to the bartender: "my wife gonna be рissеd off! She just got me this shirt as an anniversary gift. Soon as she sees puke all over it, she will be shiттy!"
The bartender, being helpful says: "I got an idea. Why don't you put a $10 bill in the front shirt pocket and when she notices the puke you can say you drove a drunк fella home from the bar and during the drive, he got sick and puked all over the front of your new shirt?"
Naturally, the guy felt bad so he gave you the $10 so you could have it cleaned.
The drunк looked at the bartender a moment, thinking it over.
"That's a great idea, the drunк slurs. Thank you."
And the drunк left.
When the drunк walked in the front door of his home there stood his wife to greet him.
She hugged him and said: "oh my lord Frank, what happened to your new shirt?"
He explained: "I drove a drunк fella home from the bar and he puked all over the front of my shirt, patting the pocket, and gave me $10 to get it cleaned."
The wife reaches in and pulls the cash from the pocket.
"But Frank," the wife says, "there is $20 here."
Frank replies, "oh, I forgot to mention, he shiт in my pants too."
Drinking and Drunk Jokes Gross Jokes Money jokes Dirty jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes
Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sеx life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sеx.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Wedding jokes
A guy is walking the sтriр in Vegas when a fantastic looking hоокеr catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do
you charge?"
The hоокеr replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The guy says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy сrар, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hоокеr says, "You see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hоокеr, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hеll? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a вlоw job is $1000."
The hоокеr says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a вlоw job!"
The hоокеr replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two
casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give вlоw jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some рussy?"
The hоокеr says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
"Dамn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hоокеr says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a рussy."
Dirty jokes Money jokes
1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the world she is.
2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.
10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. and last but not least....
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Grandparent Jokes
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.
It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor head.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor:
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, that you noticed that darned Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'.
Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.
Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes
Η ΜΑΘΗΤΡΙΑ ΣΤΗΝ ΔΑΣΚΑΛΑ Η τιμωρία..... - Кажи Иванчо? Учителката само што влегува на час, а Зоки Поки веднаш крева рака. Иванчо към учителката: Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?” Student: "would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?" Toto se plaint à un ami, Pierino: "Signora maestra si puo' punire uno per una cosa che non ha fatto?". Un alunno di 5° elementare si alza in piedi non appena entra la maestra e le chiede: One day a boy came home running while crying. "Herr Lehrer," fragt Fritzchen den Klassenlehrer. "kann man für etwas bestraft werden, was man nicht getan hat?" "Kann man für etwas bestraft werden was man gar nicht gemacht hat?", fragt Fritz den Lehrer. Lehrer antwortet: "Nein kann man nicht." Fritz: "Gut, ich hab nämlich meine Hausaufgabe nicht gemacht!" C'est une conversation entre une maîtresse d'école et Toto : Toto : - Madame, madame, est-ce que je peux être puni pour quelque chose que je n'ai pas fait ? La maîtresse : - Mais bien sur que non Toto, on ne va pas te punir pour quelque chose que tu n'as pas fait. Toto : - Eh bien, ça va alors...... Sınıfa yeni gelen öğrenci ikinci gün öğretmenine sorar " Öğretmenim insana yapmadığı bir şey için ceza verir misiniz ?" Öğretmeni "olur mu öyle şey evladım neden insana yapmadığı bir şey için ceza... Ma mère m'a puni pour une chose que je n'ai même pas faite. - Ah oui ! Pour quoi ? - Mes devoirs. Girl: “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.” Mother: “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you... - Fröken kan man få skäll för något man inte har gjort? - Nej, varför undrar du det Pelle? - Jag har inte gjort läxan! Det var en pojke som frågade sin fröken: - Fröken, kan man få skäll för nåt man inte har gort? - Nej, sa fröken. - Bra, för jag har inte gjort läxan!!! Joãozinho chega para a professora e pergunta: — Professora, alguém pode ser culpado por alguma coisa que não fez? — Mas é claro que não, Joãozinho! — Ufa! Eu não fiz o dever de casa. Jantje zat in de klas en vroeg aan de meester: "Meester, word je gestraft voor iets dat je niet gedaan hebt?" Waarop de meester antwoordde: "Natuurlijk niet Jantje, als je niets gedaan hebt, waarom... Hr. lærer, man må ikke straffe nogen, der ikke har lavet noget, vel, hr. lærer? Selvfølgelig ikke, Brian. Hvorfor kommer du dog på det? For jeg har ikke lavet min regneopgave! – Frøken, kan man bli straffet for noe man ikke har gjort? – Nei, Petter, det kan man ikke. – Puh, det var flaks, jeg har nemlig ikke gjort leksene. Toto arrive gentillement et dit à sa maitresse: - Est ce qu'on peut punir une personne pour quelque chose qu'il na pas fait madame? - Ho non pas dutout c'est de l'injustice, c'est de la mechanceté... Na začátku hodiny se přihlásil Pepíček: „Paní učitelko, mohu být potrestán za něco, co jsem neudělal?” „No, to v žádném případě, Pepíčku.” „Tak to mi spadl kámen ze srdce - já jsem totiž neudělal... - Apu, meg lehet büntetni valakit azért, amit nem csinált? - Nem, kisfiam. Mit nem csináltál? - Házi feladatot... En el colegio: - Señorita profesora, ¿verdad que no se debe castigar a un niño por una cosa que no haya hecho? - No, claro que no. - Estupendo, no he hecho los deberes. Toto demande à se maîtresse : - Madame ! Est-ce que c'est normal si je suis puni pour quelque chose que je n'ai pas fait ? - Bien sûr que non ! On ne peut pas te punir pour quelque chose que n'as... Ali o günkü derslerini hazırlamamıştı. Sınıfa öğretmenin girdiğini görünce parmağını kaldırır ve: - Öğretmenim bir insana yapmadığı bir şey için ceza verilir mi? - Verilmez oğlum. - O halde ben... Eleven till läraren: - Kan man få skäll för något man inte gjort ? Läraren: - Nej. Eleven: - Bra, för jag har inte gjort läxan ! Jantje vraagt aan de leraar: "Meneer, kan iemand ook gestraft worden voor iets wat dat hij niet gedaan heeft?" Leraar: "Nee, dat is niet eerlijk. Maar waarom vraag je dat?" Jantje: "Ik heb mijn... PepitO le dice a su profesora: Profe usted me castigaria por algo q yo nom ice...?¿ Y la profesora, con sierta risa le dice: No Pepito como crees que te voy a castigar por algo que no iciste... Y... Llega pepito a donde su maestra: - Maestra, ¿usted castigaria a un niño que no ha hecho nada? - Pues, no, no tendria porque hacerlo. ¿Pero porque preguntas Pepito? - Por nada, ahora sencillamente... Küçük kız okuldan gelir ve annesine: - Annecim,bugün okulda yapmadığım bir şey yüzünden cezalandırıldım. Annesi yüksek sesle: - Ama, bu nasıl olur? Okula gelip öğretmeninle bu konu hakkında...
School Jokes
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunк. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:

"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:

"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"
Military Jokes Hotel Jokes