Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to кill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.During all сriме investigations, it is necessary to visit a sтriр club at least once.All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.If someone says 'I'll be right back', they won't.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.
Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hеll?"
The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
The sales chief, the HR chief, and the boss are on their way to lunch around the corner.
They detour through an alley and stumble on a beat up but valuable looking brass container.
The sales chief picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief.
Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke.
The genie is grateful to be set free and offers them each a wish.
The HR chief is wide-eyed and ecstatic.
She says, "I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Jamaica with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life."
Poof! She disappears.
The sales chief says, "Wow! I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in New York, Paris, and Hong Kong."
Presto, he vanishes.
"And how about you?" asks the Genie, looking at the boss.
The boss scowls and says, "I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM."
Moral: Always let your boss speak first.
A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course.
He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window."
His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.
He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be."
So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open.
They went inside and saw the golf ball lying next to a broken glass bottle.
A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the..."
And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."
The husband asks for $100 million.
The genie says, "Done."
The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars.
Genie says, "Done."
"Now, my wish is to have sеx with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."
They agreed since their extravagant wishes had been granted.
And so the genie has sеx with the man's wife, not just once but many times.
When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"
She answers, "33."
And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"