Most popular jokes

A dozen thoughts:
1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history when you die.
2. Nothing suскs more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times when I was younger that I didn't want to nap.
4. Why isn't there a sarcasm font? I really need one!
5. Why doesn't Map Quest start their directions on #5? I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood ...
6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
7. Bad decisions make good stories.
8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu- Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection ... again.
10. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? D@mmit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and then goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
11. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then don't seeing anyone I'd like to impress the entire day. What a waste!
12. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with a Budweiser than Kay.

81 0

Friday jokes

At a store, a Blonde lady stood in line waiting to pay for her items. Three men stood before her in the line. After 15 minutes she realized that the line wasn't moving at all.
She shouted at the cashier, 'Is this line going to take all day long?'
The cashier replied, 'Please step aside ma'am and come here. You are standing behind three mannequins.'

81 0

Blonde Jokes

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one...dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to кill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.During all сriме investigations, it is necessary to visit a sтriр club at least once.All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.If someone says 'I'll be right back', they won't.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

81 0

Blonde Jokes Alien Jokes

After hearing the story of Jonah at Sunday School, a little girl repeated the story at school on Monday.
Her teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hеll?"
The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

81 0

Kids Jokes Jokes about Women Religion jokes School Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Monday jokes

An elderly man went t o his doctor and said:
"Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

81 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline shouted, "12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news, then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazillian?"

81 0

Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Military Jokes

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So he paints two ping-pong ваlls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the ping-pong ваlls up to her.
She aksked, "Alright, who's the comedian with the black ваlls?"
Johnny said, "Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday."

81 0

Little Johnny Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes School Jokes

Husband: I want divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Think about it once again. Wives like that are hard to get!

81 0

Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office.
Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.
The man asks for his first wish.
"The first thing I want is a million dollars."
The genie says, "Okay, but you know that your wife gets two million."
The man said, "That's okay. My second wish is for a large house on a remote tropical paradise."
The genie says, "Then your wife will have two beautiful houses."
The man replied, "That's fine. Now for my third wish. I want you to beat me half to death."

81 0

Genie jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.

81 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Wine jokes Communication Jokes Love Jokes

At Christmas time, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep.
Maybe that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

81 0

Christmas Jokes Office and Work Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Wine jokes

Customer to Waiter: "This is the third time I'm asking you, do you serve pigs in here?!"
Waiter: "Sir Please sit down, this is the 100th time I telling you, we serve everyone here."

81 0

Waiter Jokes Food Jokes Vulgar jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."

81 0

Sports Jokes Friendship Jokes Golf jokes Communication Jokes American Presidents Humor

A beautiful woman who had a golden little plane necklace was seated next to a guy on the plane.
During the flight all the time he was gazing at the necklace.
When the woman asked him: "Are you interested in my necklace?"
"No lady; I would rather its runway!" answered the guy.

81 0

Men jokes Jokes about Women Aviation Jokes Communication Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!"
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

81 0

Aviation Jokes Office and Work Jokes Stupid Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Pilot Jokes

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
"Sure," I said, "as long as you provide your own kennel."
I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed: "I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!"

81 0

Pet Jokes Animal Jokes Aviation Jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Dog jokes

Like changing coins - I always desired to change my 60 old years wife to three 20 years girls!

81 0

Old People Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"

81 0

Dark Humor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

When teacher entered the class little Jonny slowly said: "Sir excuse me; your zipper is open."
So the teacher thanked him and fastened his zipper.
He went near little Jonny and told him: "My dear it would better to say: the office door is open."
Next day when the teacher entered the class, unfortunately, his zipper was again open!
Little Jonny loudly shouted: "Not only the office door is open but also the teacher is at the door and two small students are beside him."

81 0

School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Communication Jokes

My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds.
I gave her a scale.

81 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women

Most Popular Jokes