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Blonde Jokes
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A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house.
She goes up to the house, rings the веll and the owner comes to the door.
He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do.
The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints?
The blonde says,
"Sure anything."
"Well, I've been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?" the man replies.
"I don't know, say $50 bucks."
"Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside.
His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks.
The astonished wife says,
"$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more."
"But that's all she said she wanted, and anyway she's a dumb blonde!"
10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says,
"All done."
With a surprised look on his face, "I can't believe it, you're already done painting the entire porch."
"Yes, and by the way it's not a porch it's a Ferrari."
Blonde Jokes
Practice Safe Fax
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.
Lawyer Jokes
When I have a car, I'll keep it really clean. My car:
Когато имам кола, ще я държа много чиста. Моята кола: Кога ќе имам кола, ќе ја чувам многу чиста. Мојата кола: Cuando tenga carro, lo voy a traer bien limpio. Mi carro: Когда у меня будет машина, я буду держать её очень чистой. Моя машина: Wenn ich ein Auto habe, halte ich es richtig sauber. Mein Auto: Quand j'aurai une voiture, je la garderai super propre. Ma voiture : Όταν αποκτήσω αυτοκίνητο, θα το κρατάω πεντακάθαρο. Το αυτοκίνητό μου: Quando avrò una macchina, la terrò sempre pulitissima. La mia macchina: Arabam olunca onu tertemiz tutacağım. Benim araba: Коли в мене буде машина, я триматиму її дуже чистою. Моя машина: Quando eu tiver um carro, vou deixar ele bem limpinho. Meu carro: Jak będę miał samochód, będę go trzymał super czystego. Mój samochód: När jag har en bil ska jag hålla den riktigt ren. Min bil: Als ik een auto heb, houd ik hem echt goed schoon. Mijn auto: Når jeg får en bil, vil jeg holde den helt ren. Min bil: Når jeg får bil, skal jeg holde den skikkelig ren. Bilen min: Kun minulla on auto, pidän sen todella puhtaana. Minun autoni: Ha lesz autóm, nagyon tisztán fogom tartani. Az autóm: Când o să am mașină, o s-o țin foarte curată. Mașina mea: Až budu mít auto, budu ho udržovat fakt čisté. Moje auto: Kai turėsiu automobilį, laikysiu jį labai švarų. Mano automobilis: Kad man būs mašīna, es to turēšu ļoti tīru. Mana mašīna: Kad budem imao auto, držat ću ga jako čistim. Moj auto:
Car and driving jokes
Science jokes Coffee Jokes
A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St.Peter. "Welcome!" he says.
"Because we are currently operating at 99%capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven.Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance."
"Okay," says the blonde.
"Here's your question: name two days of the weekthat begin with the letter T."
"That's easy. Today and tomorrow!"
"Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you anotherquestion. How many seconds are there in a year?"
"That's easy. Twelve!"
"Twelve?"
"January second, February second, March second--"
"Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance.What's God's name?"
"That's easy. Howard!"
"Howard?"
"You know -- 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Blonde Jokes
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.
Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.
The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep.
There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's соw that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door.
When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
Car and driving jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Police Officer Jokes Lawyer Jokes Boss Jokes
One day little Johnny was sitting in math class.
The teacher asked him, "there are 3 crows on a fence the farmer shoots one how many are left?"
Little Johnny replied "none."
Confused the teacher asked again.
"Johnny, there are 3 crows on the fence the farmer shoots 1 how many are left?"
Johnny replies "0."
Teacher says, "ok Little Johnny how are you getting this."
Little Johnny replies, "if 1 crow dies then the other two fly away, 0 crows left."
Teacher says "that's not the correct answer but I like the way your thinking."
Little Johnny replies, "ok teach, there 3 girls in an ice-cream parlor.
One is suскing the cone, one is licking the cone, and the other is biting the cone, which one is married?"
The teacher replies, "I guess the one suскing the cone."
Little Johnny says, "no вiтсh it's the one with the ring on her finger but, I like the way your thinking."
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