Most Popular Jokes

Q: What do you call a blonde with a brand new PC?
A: A dumb terminal.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so easy to understand?
A: So brunettes can understand them.
Q: How did the blond burn her ear?
A: The phone rang while she was ironing.
Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?
A: The sign said "must be 18 to enter".
Q: Why are there no brunette jokes?
A: Because blondes would have to think them up.
Q: How does a blonde make instant pudding?
A: She places the box in the microwave and looks for the "instant pudding setting" button.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
A: When she got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.
Q: What do you call 24 blondes in a cardboard box?
A: A case of empties.
Blonde Jokes
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot реnis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational.
He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing.
The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to liск him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what рissеs me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fuскing perch."
Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes Parrot jokes Superhero Jokes
Знаете ли защо негрите ядат само бял шоколад? Γιατί οι αράπηδες τρώνε μόνο άσπρες σοκολάτες; Σοκολάτα Οι σοκολάτες Γιατί βγήκαν οι άσπρες σοκολάτες; - Знаете ли защо са измислили белия шоколад? Белый шоколад придумали для того, чтобы негритята тоже могли вымазаться. - Защо е измислен белия шоколад? - Зачем придумали белый шоколад? - Чтобы и негритятам было чем выпачкать свои мордашки! Varför uppfann man vit choklad? – För att negrarna inte ska bita sig i fingrarna när de äter choklad. Why did the white chocolate was invented? So niggers can get dirty! Hvorfor har man opfundet hvid chokolade? – Så negere ikke skal bide sig selv i fingeren – Varför säljs så mycket vit choklad i Afrika? – För att de inte skall bita sig i fingrarna. Warum hat ein Neger im Kino, wenn er Schokolade ißt, weiße Handschuhe an? Damit er sich nicht in die Finger beißt! Wieso wurde weiße Schokolade erfunden? – Damit Neger sich beim Essen nicht in die Finger beißen. – For at negerene ikke bider sig selv i fingrene når de spiser chokolade. Hvorfor har man opfundet hvid chokolade? De ce s-a inventat ciocolata alba? Pt a se murdari si copii negri la gura - Po co produkuje się białą czekoladę? - Żeby murzynek też mógł się upieprzyć.
Kids Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Chocolate Jokes Black People Jokes
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sеx.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Sex Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"
Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Priest Jokes
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..."No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man."I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"The man replied "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone."
Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Africa Jokes
Двама пенсионери разговарят: Un petit vieux de 95 ans. Un journaliste venu l'interroger : Дядо обяснява на личния си лекар: Двама старци си бъбрят на скамейката пред блока: Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. Un uomo in su con gli anni va dal medico, tutto sconsolato. - Dottore dottore ogni mattina alle sette mi scappa da pisciare. - Beh che problema c'e'? - E' che io mi alzo alle otto per cui mi piscio addosso! "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on... Пациент отива при доктора и му казва: - Докторе нещо ми има, всяка сутрин ходя по голяма нужда точно в 6:30. А докторът му отвръща: - Но това не е проблем, трябва да се радвате, че организмът ви толкова добре работи като швейцарски часовник. А пациентът отвръща: - То работенето ясно, ама проблема... 3 bejaarde mannen zitten samen koffie te drinken. Zegt de eerste: "ik heb een probleem, ik sta 's morgens op om 7uur, en het duurt zeker 3uur voor ik kan pissen" "Bwa" zegt de tweede, "ik sta ook...
Old People Jokes
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your реnis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
The man asks, "W-w-what's the c-c-cure, d-d-doctor?"
The doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches."
The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
The doctor responds, "N-n-no w-w-way!"
Medical and Doctor Jokes
Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The G. Q: Why did the turkey refuse dessert?
A: He was already stuffed. Q: The day after the holiday, what did the fridge say when it was asked, "Is everything al-right over here?"?
A:
"No, everything is all left-over here!" Q: Why was the turkey asked to join a band?
A: He could bring his own drumsticks. Q: If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
A: Scholar ships. Q: What don't you want to wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A white shirt or high-waisted pants. Q: What do you call the age of a Pilgrim?
A: A pilgrimage. Q: What kind of key can't open doors?
A: A tur-key. Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?
A: He sensed fowl play. Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him! Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Finally enough drumsticks for everyone at Thanksgiving. Q: Why does this Native Indian chief put on a lot of feathers?
A: To help keep their wigwam. Q: What is the real key to the perfect thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY. Q: On which side the turkey has got the majority of feathers?
A: The outside. Q: How will you make the turkey float?
A: You will need a few root вееr, two scoops of delicious ice cream, and the turkey. Q: Is it possible for the turkey to jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because a building cannot jump anyway. Q: What is the type of vegetable that you would like on this Thanksgiving?
A: Beets me! Q: What is the type of potatoes that go oui-oui-buzz-buzz?
A: French flies. Q: Why do the cranberries change red?
A: When they saw the turkey dressing! Q: At what time the turkey soup can be bad for yourself?
A: In case if you are that turkey!
Thanksgiving Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes School Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Boss Jokes
Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said."You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."
Car and driving jokes Coffee Jokes