Newest jokes - Page 2372

Girl: I love you!
Boy: Hmm... And tell me, whats up??

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One-Liner Jokes

Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says,
"You know, Jane, these remind me of John's ваlls."
Jane, impressed says,
"Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirтy."

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One-Liner Jokes

You know how to you make God laugh?
Tell him your plans.

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One-Liner Jokes

I could never have a тhrееsоме. This is not a тhrееsоме body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

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One-Liner Jokes

Using dirтy Q-tips is ear-rash-ional.

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One-Liner Jokes

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

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One-Liner Jokes

I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L. A. -- not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And Im in my car, and he gets out -- hes sweating, hes got these little shorts on. You know how fast you were going? Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.

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One-Liner Jokes

NED: I thought I saw a walrus on the beach!
ED: Nah, that was just a seal lyin'.

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One-Liner Jokes

My boss told me to have a good day, so i went home.

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One-Liner Jokes Boss Jokes

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads Jack's last will and testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

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Lawyer Jokes

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.
'Doc, there's something wrong with me.
Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe.
Can you tell me what the problem is?'
'Sure,' the doctor said. 'You have way too much time on your hands.'

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A blonde goes into the cleaners and drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.
As she's leaving the clerk says,
"Come again."
The blonde stops and says,
"No, it's mustard this time."

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean
"This should be taken care of right away."
Meaning: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Well, what do we have here...?"
Meaning: He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
Meaning: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Meaning: I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
- Or -
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
Meaning: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Meaning: Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Meaning: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
Meaning: He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Meaning: I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Meaning: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
Meaning: I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Meaning: Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
Meaning: I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
Meaning: The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Meaning: Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
Meaning: I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
Meaning: That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
Meaning: I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next week.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes BMW jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'DALLAS COWBOYS'!
And they say blondes are dumb....

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Blonde Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? They don't know the route.

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said,
"You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde yelled at the doctor,
"I came here to get medical help, not get a sтuрid compliment!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her "Okay, what is 1 and 1?"

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains sorted out according to source.
The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Blondes' Brains $100/lb
Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those beekeepers' brains are expensive - they must be very powerful!"
The butcher replied, "Not really. They're expensive because it takes so many Blondes to get one pound of brains!!"

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Blonde Jokes

A redhead, a brunette and a blonde that were captured and ordered before the firing squad. The redhead was brought out, put on the stand and at the time when the squad leader yelled "Ready, aim..." she shouted "Tornado!" and pointed behind the firing squad. Everyone looked and she jumped down and ran away. They brought out the brunette, put her up on the stand and when the squad leader yelled, "Ready, aim..." she pointed and yelled "Earthquake!". When everyone stopped to look around, she ran away. Finally, the firing squad brought the blonde out and when the squad leader yelled "Ready, aim..." she pointed and yelled "Fire!"

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Blonde Jokes

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