Newest jokes - Page 2371

Three women escape from prison - a blonde and two brunettes - and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farm house. Inside the house there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building. One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, "There's just three burlap sacks in here!" To which his partner replies "Then kick them just to be sure it's not them hiding". The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells "MEEEYYOWW!" The officer says "Oh, its just a sтuрid cat in there." So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells "RUUFFF RUFFF!" The officer says "Oh, it's just a sтuрid dog!" Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells "POTATOES!"

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Blonde Jokes

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer.

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One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked. At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested. Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Priest Jokes

Why did the Blonde cross the road? Who cares, what the hеll is she doing out of the kitchen!

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunк all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."

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Lawyer Jokes

A woman is meeting with her shrink. She confides the following problem.
"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My father is a convict. My mother is a Devil worshipper. My brother is in an asylum and I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question: How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a lawyer?"

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Lawyer Jokes

The wife of a Las Vegas doctor telephoned a local casino and asked to have her husband paged."Sorry, Madam," came the reply, "but the house does not make doctor calls."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

An obstetrician delivers a baby for a beautiful young woman. The baby has blue eyes, blonde hair, black skin and narrowed eye groves.
"You should be more careful with the оrgiеs you have" - the doctor says.
"I just thank God he is not barking" - she answered.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked,
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette. After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sасrifiсе themselves and let go, to save the others. Well, they talked about it for a while but no one could decide a fair way of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap. To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sасrifiсе. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them. After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the blondes were so moved that they all started clapping!

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Blonde Jokes

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud ваng. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."
Suddenly there's another ваng. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they"ll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another ваng and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.
The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says,
"Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we"ll be up here all day."

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Blonde Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

How do you кill a blonde? Put a mirror at the bottom of a pool.

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Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

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Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes

How do you know that a blonde was using the computer? there is white out on the screen How do you know that another blonde was using that computer? there is writing over the white out How do you know that a third blonde was using the computer? the joystick is wet

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Blonde Jokes

Comedys a tough job, man. Ive got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, hes a роrnо star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, Ooh, you should do роrnо! Same girl sat on my lap and was like, Ooh, you should tell jokes!

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One-Liner Jokes

What did one ear say to the other?
Nothing, ears don't talk they listen!

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Jokes

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. What are these? Those are orange: oranges. What about these? Oh, sh*t. Long pointies? Well go by shape now?

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One-Liner Jokes

"What is your brother's name?"
Little Jane:
"I don't know yet. We can't understand a word he says."

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One-Liner Jokes

I don't own a big house, but at least I have my legs, ie two man shins.

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One-Liner Jokes

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. And I said, If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.

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One-Liner Jokes

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