Newest jokes - Page 246

Q: Why did the married man sell his complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica?
A: He didn't need them any longer - his dамn wife knows everything.

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Q: Why is 88 better than 69?
A: Because you get ate twice.

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School Jokes

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

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School Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes College jokes Student jokes

Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
A: So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raliegh, NC in the Ford Bronco?
A: He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Duke player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
A: They didn't want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Q: Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
Q: How many Duke freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because that's a sophomore course at Florida State and Virginia.

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School Jokes

After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"

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School Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A redneck family's only son returns home from college. The father asks, "Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?"
The son says, "Pi R squared."
The father yells, "Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pies are round, cornbread are square."

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Redneck jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Blue Collar Jokes Dad Jokes Math Jokes

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."

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School Jokes Blonde Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A college psychology class was studing human reaction to sеxuаl stimulus and of special interest was the frequency of amorous relations.
''How many students here,'' said the professor, ''engage more than once a week?'' Five people raised their hands. ''And how many engage once a week?'' Ten hands went up. ''How many twice a month?'' Eight hands went up. ''Once a month?'' Four hands were raised. ''And how may once a year?'' A little guy in the back waved his hand frantically and giggled hysterically. ''If you engage only once a year,'' said the professor, ''I don't see what you're so overjoyed about.'' Flush with excitement, the little guy said, ''Yeah, but tonight's the night!''

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School Jokes

Q: Have you heard about the blonde psychology major working her way through college as a рrоsтiтuте?
A: For $50, she'll sсrеw with your mind.

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School Jokes Blonde Jokes Military Jokes

Q: What do you call a proton with big hair?
A: A 'froton.

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School Jokes

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgаr joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whоrеs in India? With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. Wait, ladies, cried the professor, The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!

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School Jokes

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living. The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor."
The first neighbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor responds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires. "Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds."And you have children too, right?" says the professor."Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor."So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor."Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday."What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend."
Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gаy!"

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School Jokes Dog jokes

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red H on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue Y on her chest. How did you get that mark on your chest? asks the doctor. Oh, my boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love, she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green M on her chest. Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan? asks the doctor. No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes

I thought it would be so easy to meet guys when I got out of college because it was very easy to meet guys in college.
I mean, this was really all you had to do to meet some guy in college: 'Oh my God, I am so wasted!'

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School Jokes

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope. But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.
"Those are sреrм cells."

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School Jokes

Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A hоrny ваsтаrd!"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

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School Jokes

A question had appeared in a student's medical examination which read: "List four benefits of вrеаsт milk." A student began to answer the question: 1. No need to bottle it. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary. But the fourth point eluded him.
When there were barely a couple of minutes before the exam ended, the fourth point flashed before his mind. So he completed the answer by writing: 4. Available in attractive containers.

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School Jokes

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those dамn mice keep coming back."
"I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."
"That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the dамn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude."
"What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

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School Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes

Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question. He inquired:
"What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?"
Jane blushed and said that she didn't know. Jimmy raised his hand and said,
"I know! The pupil of the eye." The teacher replied,
"Yes, very good Jimmy."
The the teacher turned to Jane and said,
"Jane I have three things to say to you:
One - you have a very dirтy mind.
Two - you haven't been studying hard enough. And three - you're going to be very disappointed!"

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School Jokes

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