Newest jokes - Page 306

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!

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Three Belizean couples are dining together. Joe says to his wife: "Pass me the honey, Honey".
Daniel says to his wife: "Pass me the sugar, Sugar".
Then Jaime says to his wife: "Pass me the steak, Dumb соw"

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Marriage and Family Jokes

I tried to get into a trendy New York nightclub last night. The doorman said to me:
"Sorry mate, you've had too many".
I replied, "What, drinks?"
He said, "No, birthdays!"

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Old People Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Birthday Jokes

I would like to be Santa Claus
…
….
He knows where all the naughty girls live.

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Christmas Jokes

What word starts with "N" and end's with "R" that you don't want to call a black man??
"Neighbor"

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Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

A man and his wife, both recently retired, went into town to buy some milk and bread. They were only in the store for about five minutes, but when they came out, they noticed a police officer writing a parking ticket, clearly about to place it on their car.
"Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" the man exclaimed. The police officer ignored him and continued writing the ticket, before sticking it firmly to the windshield. "You're a duмваss," the man shouted at the police officer.
The police man glared at them and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres on their car. Getting annoyed, the wife shouted at the cop: "You're a s**t head."
The police officer finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more the couple abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote.
Then a bus arrived and the couple jumped on and went home.

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Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to рее. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even сrар anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I рее every morning at 6:00. I рее like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I сrар every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You рее every morning at 6:00 and сrар every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

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Old People Jokes

yo mama so sтuрid she put her head in a mailbox and talked we asked her whats she was doing she said shes sending a voicemail

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Insult Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Fuck.
Fuck who?
You.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Vulgar jokes Knock-knock jokes Communication Jokes

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two аssеs come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two аssеs, they come together again.
I come again and рее twice.
Then I come one lasta time.’
The lady can’t take this anymore, “You foul- mouthed sеx obsessed pig!”
She retorted indignantly.
‘In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sеx lives!”
‘Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man, ‘Whooza talkin’ about sеx?
I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi ‘..
$5.00 says you’re gonna read this again!

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Men jokes Sex Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Friendship Jokes

Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

yo mommas so fат when Santa comes down the chimley he saids hо hо holy shiт..........

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USA Jokes Christmas Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

A man is staying in a hotel. He walks up to the front desk and says, "Sorry ma'am, I forgot what room I'm in, can you help me?"
The receptionist replies, "No problem, sir. This is the lobby."

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Man Jokes Hotel Jokes

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs...

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Sports Jokes

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!"
I replied, "That's 15 love!"

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Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Why are blacks like bicycles?
They don’t work without chains.

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Office and Work Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes IT jokes

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night.
I snuck up behind an older lady, started fuскing her from behind then looked up and suddenly realized that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a вlоwjов, was my dad. I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
He said, "I'm not."

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Gross Jokes Sex Jokes

Superman was flying around Metropolis when he noticed Wonder Woman lying totally nакеd, spread-eagle on her bed.
He thought, "Hmm... I could fly through that open window and be in and out before she even knew what hit her!"
With nothing more than a rustle of the curtains, Superman was on his way, thinking, "Wow! She is really tight!"
Back in her bedroom, Wonder Woman sat up asking, "What in Amazonia was that?!"
The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my аsshоlе sure hurts!"

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Aviation Jokes Superhero Jokes

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.
He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a ваng-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Student jokes

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