Newest jokes - Page 406

If you see the Blue Screen of Death on your laptop... it's because Chuck Norris found out you were reading Chuck Norris jokes.

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An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist,
“Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

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Old People Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,
"Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says,
"Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror an d says,
"You duммy, it's me!"

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Blonde Jokes Stupid Jokes

Has does a blonde have safe sеx?
She locks the car door.

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Blonde Jokes Car and driving jokes Sex Jokes One-Liner Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.
Some time went by, and the case got to court.
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."
Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?"
I said, "I never felt better in my life."

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Lawyer Jokes Animal Jokes

I walked into the computer repair place with my broken Macintosh computer.
I looked at the stack of them on the rack and said, ‘What’s that, Broke Mac Mountain?’

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IT jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

Yo mama is so old that God doesn't remember her.

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Yo Momma Jokes God Jokes Old People Jokes

On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.
He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped."
A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.
When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!

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Dark Humor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Friendship Jokes Birthday Jokes

A Marine was going in for his physical.
He had celebrated his 45th birthday that weekend.
After taking all the tests, the blood other fluids.
He was now waiting for the DR. in an office on the table in a paper outfit.
The DR came in.
After looking over all the notes, the Marine was asked if he had an active sеx life.
Straight-faced, the Marine answered. "Yes, Sir.'
Asked how often, the Marine thought, "I cannot honestly answer that question, Sir."
Turning to look at the Marine he was asked, "Why not?"
Smiling the Marine stated. "One of the samples that were needed, I asked for some assistance. A nice Lady came in to help me. Would that count?"
The DR. signed the paperwork.
Walked out of the office saying, "Get dressed. You're fine."

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Old People Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Military Jokes

Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club.
He stated that 'he couldnt have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get fuскеd every week !'

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Soccer Jokes Sports Jokes

A white boy and a black boy were arguing one day.
The white boy screams "God is white!"
The black boy screams "God is black!"
This goes on and on for about an hour when all of a sudden there comes a loud сrаск of lightning and the heavens open up and a booming voice says "I am what I am."
The white boy jumps up and says "See, I told you so!"
To which the black boy says "How does that prove God's white?"
The white boy replies "Because if God were black he would have said, "I is what I is."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Kids Jokes Communication Jokes Black People Jokes White people jokes

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.

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Dark Humor Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even кill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh, what was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle.”

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Dog jokes

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

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Old People Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Nurse jokes Birthday Jokes

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible;
I look old, fат and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s dамn near perfect.”

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Fat Jokes Ugly Jokes

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

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Golf jokes

Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.

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Attitude Jokes Communication Jokes

Remember the Leia scene from The Last Jedi?
That wasn't the force, it was Chuck Norris resurrecting Carrie Fischer.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Star Wars Jokes

Q: What did the basketball say to the player?
A: Please don't shoot me.

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Sports Jokes Communication Jokes

Yo mama so sтuрid, she thought Ewoks were just Homeless Care Bears on drugs.

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Drug Jokes Office and Work Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes

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