Newest jokes - Page 541

A neutron walks into a bar.
"Id like a вееr" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a вееr.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

41 0

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your рussy?”
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!”
“Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then.”

40 0

Insult Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes

What do you call a stoner spilling his wееd on the floor?
Drug Abuse.

44 0

Drug Jokes

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?"
It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

42 0

Chuck Norris Jokes Technology Jokes

A man walks into a bar and says loudly, "Bartender, six shots!" The bartender looks at him and says, "Wow six shots, whats the occasion?" The man replies , "First blоwjob!"
The bartender then pours him a seventh shot and says, "Congrats man, this ones on me."
The man then says , "Man if six shots cant get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will!"

42 1

Sex Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

Little Johnny was doing his work in math class, when his teacher chose him to answer a question.
Teacher: Johnny if there were four birds on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?
Johnny: None because the rest would fly off.
Teacher: The answer was 3, but I like the way you're thinking!
Johnny: Well I have a question for you! If there 3 girls at a ice cream shop, one was licking her cone, one was biting her cone, and one was suскing her cone, which one is married?
"Well" said the teacher nervously " I guess the one suскing her cone...
Johnny: No the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But, I like the way you're thinking!

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Wedding jokes Math Jokes

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

77 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Boss Jokes

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going.
He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.
The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make a day?"
The guy replies: "150 dollars!"
The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.
A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner: "Have you seen that UPS driver? I asked him to wait here for me!"

41 0

Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days.
The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.
The frightened investor was amazed!
"Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
"Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

43 0

Money jokes Baby Jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't check under his bed for monsters, monsters check on top of the bed to see if Chuck Norris is sleeping.

87 1

Chuck Norris Jokes

Monica is at the dentist. Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working. Monica's mobile phone starts ringing.
Ignoring it four times, the dentist finally answers the phone рissеd:
What’s up?
What’s up?, - some man asks.
Dentist:
Who are you?
I’m Monica’s husband
Dentist:
Listen, man, I’m about to finish, she will spit it out and will call you back!!!

42 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Dentist Jokes

Man says to his boss "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss says "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man says "Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity."

0 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Office and Work Jokes Management Jokes Boss Jokes

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner.
He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street."
He was in luck.
She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed.
She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300".
His eyes popped open and he asked "300?"
She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains".
He proceeded.
"See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good."
He was like, "well go right ahead honey".
So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.
After a little rest he thought, if that was that good..."How much for a вlоw job?"
She said "600". OH MY GOD! was his reply.
She told him to walk back over to the window.
"See that 15 story hotel?
I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good."
He said "Well get to work then sweetie."
And sure enough he got the best вlоw job he ever received.
After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good... "How much for sеx?"
She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole dамnеd town if only I had a рussy."

43 0

Sex Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes God Jokes Men jokes Business jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Hotel Jokes

At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time.
“Josh!” exclaimed his mother.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

42 0

Little Johnny Jokes Life Jokes Restaurant Jokes

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

85 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

0 0

Dark Humor Jokes Sports Jokes

"My parachute did not work." Said no one ever.

42 0

Dark Humor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.
He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt.
He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

42 0

Life Jokes

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

44 0

Chuck Norris Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day.
Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?"
Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring."
Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?"
Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... "
The poor, "Man nodds in agreement."
Rich man, "What did you get your wife?"
Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildо."
Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?"
Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."

43 0

Dirty jokes Men jokes

Latest Jokes