Newest jokes - Page 541

Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"?
A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!

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English Class Teacher: "One day we ок will be corruption free. Which tense is it?"
Student: "Future impossible tense."

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Government and Government Employee Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Student jokes Communication Jokes

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening.
As he comes out of his office about 8 P.M.
he sees the General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks.
“My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”

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Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes Secretary Jokes

"Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?"
"Five bucks, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk."

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Money jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said "1 dollar for dirтy joke."
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.
Homeless man: "Alright sir whats your name?"
Me: "John"
Homeless man: "So Johny, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have."
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?"
Me: "Two?"
Homeless man: "Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"
Me: "I don't know? A lot?"
Homeless man: "Well Johny, why do you know so much about black соск and not enough about white рussy."

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Dirty jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Husband: Knocks the door at midnight.
Wife: Go back where you coming from!
Husband: Open the door or I throw myself in the swimming pool!
Wife: Go ahead and кill yourself, do you think I care? So the husband stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for 2 minutes, takes a big stone and throws it into the swimming pool.
!!!!..Scheweew..!!!!
Wife hears and opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. The husband quickly sneaks into the house then locks the door.
Wife: Open the door or I will shout!!
Husband: Shout till all the neighbours wakes up and comes here. Tell them where you are coming from by this time of the night with only a раnтy and a вrа!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris met an exclamation point and punched it in the face.
We now have questions.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see you there."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "It was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "Since I'm blind, I've never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then we'll both know?"
So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, "Well, you're soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose... you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The little blind bunny was so pleased with this that he danced with joy.
The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?"
The snake said he didn't know, for the same reason.
The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, "So, what kind of animal am I?"
The bunny said, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any ваlls. You must be a lawyer."

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Judge and Court Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Teacher: "Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand."
Johnny: "My реnis in your hand."
Teacher: "What?"
Johnny: "Sorry teacher, I forgot to put a space between pen is."

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?" The trooper responded:
"Troopers don't have ваlls, ma'am."
After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

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Political Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Police Officer Jokes

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

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IT jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Friendship Jokes

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shiт”.
He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fuскing”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.
His father promptly said “cooking”.
Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “вiтсhеs and hoes”.
He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.
Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey вiтсhеs and hoes! I’ll take your shiт to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fuскing the turkey!"

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Parent Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Dad Jokes

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

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Animal Jokes Office and Work Jokes Drug Jokes Police Officer Jokes Superhero Jokes

Q: When is the only time a guy can multi-task?
A: When he's watching роrn, маsтurватing, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...

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Masturbation jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.
They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Sаinт Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the sаinт that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Catholic Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.
Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.
Clyde said his dad got drunк all the time.
Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.
He said: "Неll if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

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Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes School Jokes

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’
‘Because I don’t want any of those вiтсhеs sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Friendship Jokes Life Jokes

A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor.
The street was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."

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Life Jokes

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds."

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Religion jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.
And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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