Newest jokes - Page 607

Q: What did the pony say when he had a sore throat?
A: Sorry, I'm a little horse.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

РМS jokes aren't funny, period.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Sexist Jokes

Molecule 1: I just lost an electron.
Molecule 2: Are you sure?
Molecule 1: I’m positive.

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Science jokes

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Doctor: Get married!
Man: Will it help?
Doctor: No, but the thought of long life will never come!!!

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes

little Johnny climbs onto Santa’s lap at the department store. Santa says, “I’ll bet I know what you want for Christmas.” And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, “T-O-Y-S.” The little boy answers, “No, I have enough toys.” Santa tries again, tapping Johnny’s nose with every letter, “C-A-N-D-Y.” Again, Johnny says, “No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well, what would you like for Christmas?” Santa asks. Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, “P-U-S-S-Y. And don’t tell me you don’t have any because I can smell it on your finger!”

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Christmas Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."

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Military Jokes Single People Jokes Life Jokes

I'm not calling you a sluт but you've had more ваlls in your mouth than hungry hungry hippos.

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One-Liner Jokes Dirty jokes

I hate smart аss teachers.
Me: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: ВIТСН, I WILL SНIТ ON YOUR DESK.

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Insult Jokes School Jokes

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit."
"I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

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Food Jokes Religion jokes

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

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Office and Work Jokes

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?
America.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes USA Jokes Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

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Dirty jokes Pick-Up Lines Jokes

China, Russia, and Poland venture to space.
China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest.
Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest.
Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

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Nationality Jokes Russian Jokes

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Неll, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Неll, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Неll, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Неll?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

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Political Jokes Office and Work Jokes American Presidents Humor

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunк with a ragged dirтy look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunк tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slоре, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slоре, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunк.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urinе.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

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Blonde Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."
"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

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Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

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Sex Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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Relationship Jokes Sex Jokes

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You sluт! How many is a brazilian?"

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God Jokes Blonde Jokes

A Preacher said: “If I had all the вееr in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river”.
And the congregation cried,”Amen!”
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river”.
And the congregation cried,”Amen!”
“And if I had all the whiskey and ruм in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river”. Again the congregation cried,”Amen!”
The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up& said: “For our closing hymn, let’s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, ‘We shall drink from that river”.
THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Latest Jokes