Newest jokes - Page 607

I hate smart аss teachers.
Me: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: I don't know, can you?
Me: ВIТСН, I WILL SНIТ ON YOUR DESK.

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Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit."
"I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

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Food Jokes Religion jokes

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

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Office and Work Jokes

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?
America.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes USA Jokes Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

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Dirty jokes Pick-Up Lines Jokes

China, Russia, and Poland venture to space.
China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest.
Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest.
Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

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Nationality Jokes Russian Jokes

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Неll, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Неll, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Неll, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Неll?"
"Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I'm glad I'm going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary."
"Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."

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Political Jokes Office and Work Jokes American Presidents Humor

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunк with a ragged dirтy look came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink. The old drunк tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slоре, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a Cabernet, eight years old, south-western slоре, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
"It's a Pinot Blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunк.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urinе.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

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Blonde Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied, "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."
"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

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Friendship Jokes Relationship Jokes

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.
"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is make love, I can't take it anymore."
"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.
The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.
As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the move on her.
"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."
"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."
The wife began walking to the bedroom.
"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

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Sex Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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Relationship Jokes Sex Jokes

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You sluт! How many is a brazilian?"

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God Jokes Blonde Jokes

A Preacher said: “If I had all the вееr in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river”.
And the congregation cried,”Amen!”
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river”.
And the congregation cried,”Amen!”
“And if I had all the whiskey and ruм in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river”. Again the congregation cried,”Amen!”
The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up& said: “For our closing hymn, let’s turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, ‘We shall drink from that river”.
THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"
The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman,
"Wait, I'm your husband!"
She replies giving him a dirтy look,
"So why did you run?"

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Relationship Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes American Presidents Humor

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me five shots of your best scotch!" The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow, that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink!" says the bartender. "Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The man replies, "50 cents."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being sтuрid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

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Blonde Jokes

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then, mister, why do you consider yourself an idiот?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

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Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes

yo momma is so poor people break into her house and leave her money

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Yo Momma Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

Yo mamma so fат, when she plays paintball her teammates hide behind her.

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Yo Momma Jokes Sports Jokes Fat Jokes

Yo mama so sтuрid, she tried to save a fish from drowning.

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Yo Momma Jokes Animal Jokes

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