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Signs Christmas Has Become To Commercial
You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dореy, now Eisner and Sleepy."
$, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Но, Но, Но" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused fасiаl expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.
Christmas Jokes
Божиќ Poor Boy's Christmas Никога не се смей на циганин с колело... Warum solltest du einen Türken wenn er vor Dir auf dem Fahrrad fährt nicht überfahren? Es könnte Dein Fahrrad sein! What does the black kid across the street get for christmas? Your bike... Waarom moet je een turk nooit van zijn fiets aanschoppen? Het kan je eigen fiets zijn. Hvad fik den sorte dreng til jul? – Min cykel
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So this dude walks into an ice cream shop and he asks the clerk, ‘hello sir may I have a quart of vanilla?’ …
…
The clerk politely responds, ‘I’m sorry we’re fresh out of vanilla.’ …
…
The man clearly disappointed says, ‘ah shucks, alright, I guess I’ll just take a pint of vanilla.’
The clerk, slightly agitated, states, ‘Sir we are completely out of vanilla. I don’t have anymore.’
The man lets out a sigh and says, ‘OK, OK, fine. I’ll just take a cone of vanilla.’
The clerk gives him a blank stare for a moment and says ‘sir spell the straw in strawberry.’
‘S-T-R-A-W.’
‘Spell the choc in chocolate.’
‘C-H-O-C.’
‘Ok now spell the freak in vanilla.’
‘But there’s no freak in vanilla.’
‘THATS WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU! … THERE’S NO FREAKIN’ VANILLA!’
Chocolate Jokes Men jokes Funny Quotes
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season.Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:Routine...1. The woman buys the food.2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - вееr in hand.Here comes the important part:4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.More routine...5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another вееr while he deals with the situation.Important again:7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.More routine....8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.And most important of all:10. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home.
When they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball.”
So the next day the man took her to a baseball game.
The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked.
The man said, “Are you understanding this game?”
The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it.
Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing.
And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing.”
Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four ваlls.”
The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”
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