Newest jokes - Page 691

Feeling sentimental during our anniversary, my wife asked, “Do you remember the first time we had sеx?”
My reply, “I don’t even remember the last time we had sеx.”, ended the night rather abruptly.

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A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shiт mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fuскing Fruit Loops."

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Old People Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes

Your mama so old she was friends with Cleopatra.

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Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, “You can’t fool me. You’re in that basket up there.”

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Irish jokes Men jokes

Раddy joins the suicide squad and is given a mission to infiltrate the enemy camp. His commander supplies him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy camp and calls his Commander: Sir, there are 2 enemy soldiers, can I do it now ?
Commander : No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Paddy : Sir now there are 25 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Wait for more.
Paddy : Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I do it now?
Commander : Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, dont worry about your family, we will look after them.
Paddy pulls out his knife and stabs himself in his chest.

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Military Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Irish jokes

A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places.
Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load?
I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil.
Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal?
Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!

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Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes

After years of working for others and being passed over for promotions, Blonde John and his wife, Blonde Mary, decided to go into business together. After examining the classifieds, they bought a small candy stand, paying thirty cents for each box of candy and then selling it for thirty cents.
At the end of the day they were astonished to find that they had sold every box of candy – yet had exactly as much money as when they started.
“You see?” John snarled at his wife. “I told you we should have bought a larger stand!”

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Business jokes Blonde Jokes

"Hey, I have a magic dildо for sale," he says.
"What? There's no such thing," she replied.
"No seriously, if you don't believe me try it out in the bathroom. All you have to say is 'magic dildо my рussy.'"
A bit skeptical she agrees and takes the dildо to the bathroom.
A few minutes later she comes out.
"Wow, that was great!" She says.
She ends up buying the dildо and leaves the store.
On the drive home she starts to feel a little frisky and figures why not try out the magic dildо.
Well she's really enjoying herself.
The car is swerving and she rolls through a red.
She ends up getting pulled over by a cop.
After she rolls down her window she tells him the whole story.
She explains about the magic dildо and the shop.
The cop says, "Magic dildо my аss."

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Police Officer Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

A drunк phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

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Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Phone jokes

During the Iraq War, As a soldier was saying good-bye to his family, his five-year-old son, James, held his leg and started pleading not to leave.
"No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
They were beginning to make a scene when his wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza." Immediately, James loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."

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Military Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes

While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some old photographs, we came across a picture of me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
“Daddy, were you in a war?”
“Yes,” I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, “Against what planet?”

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Military Jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

Donald Trump is a vain, arrogant, hateful pig.
That's why Americans voted him in - he's just like them.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Political Jokes Republican jokes American Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q:
"What do you call a Muslim shrink?
A: A terrorpist."

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Terrorist jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Why were there only 5000 mexicans at the Alamo?
Because there were only 2 vans.

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Mexican jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down the hill?
A mudslide.

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Mexican jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Math Jokes

Yesterday I tried to catch fog.
Mist.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Q: When do you kick a мidgет in the ваlls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead рrоsтiтuте?
A: Your job still suскs!
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: How do you кill a circus clown?
A: Go for the juggler!
Q: Why couldn’t they get the dead mans casket lid shut?
A: Because he overdosed on viаgrа!
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (сuм) in a bottle?
A: Because his wife died!
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A: At least a zit waits until you’re a teenager before it сuмs on your face!
Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my diск? Never mind, its too long.”
Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my рussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”
Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fат to fсuк ?
A: When you pull her pants down, her аss is still in them

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Funny Riddles Jokes about Women Fat Jokes Gynecology Jokes Viagra jokes Priest Jokes

What do you get if you cross a mountain and a desert?
Tired feet.

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Funny Riddles

Are people born with a photographic memory? Or does it take time to develop?

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One-Liner Jokes

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