Newest jokes - Page 777

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly oblivious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee, kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had had enough. He broke his stance, lowered his driver back to the ground and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"

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My ex texted me:
::
She: I can’t live without you
::
::
Me: …. Then die
::
The breakup/makeup flowers that didn’t work $25
The jewelry that didn’t work $200
The text: PRICELESS!

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Dating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Chuck Norris can cross all Seven Bridges of Konigsberg, making all the current laws of Math, obsolete.

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Math Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

FORREST in EVERYONE'S LIFE
Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates...
Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, chocolate!
Forrest the Нun Chocolate all mine!
Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest'
Forrest Jackson Little kids like my box of chocolates
Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box.
Forrest Shakespeare Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClaine I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Ventura Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then...
Forrest Lauper People just wanna have chocolate
Forrest Turner What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
Forrest Bones Dаммiт Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
Forrest Spock Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
Forrest Scotty The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
Forrest Сhrisт Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate
Forrest Rooney Why is it, that we are all chocolates?
Forrest Butler Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
Forrest O'Hara Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
Forrest Lee Fight with your inner chocolate
Forrest Clinton I didn't inhale the cream centers
Forrest Davidson I will inhale the cream filled centers
Forrest Doo Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
Forrest Pig Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy
Forrest Marx That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen....
Forrest Nicholson You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
Forrest Copperfield Рооf, the chocolates are gone!
Forrest Нiтlеr White Chocolates only!
Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it,
Forrest Vader Luke, I am your chocolate
Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

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Hitler Jokes Kids Jokes Chocolate Jokes Star Wars Jokes American Presidents Humor

You know how it is sometimes, man. You'll be sitting around drinking wine with a group of your friends or some apostles, and a story just starts getting away from you. 'Yeah, man, I remember it like it was yesterday. I'd seen this dog, it looked like a beast. He had, I don't know, one -- seven heads! And the bush was on fire and talking to me. I'm drunк, but you can quote me on that. I hear you're writing a book.'

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Wine jokes God Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can’t keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

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Dad Jokes Dirty jokes American Presidents Humor

A farmer and his wife got into a huge fight after which the wife stormed off. The farmer says, "Where did you leave the tractor?"

The wife replies, "In the Mill field."

But there's no way into the Mill field!"

"There is now."

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Farmer Jokes

The bar association in a Texas county was having its annual meeting in the county courthouse when a mad man entered the room, pulled out a gun and took over the meeting.

He then released one lawyer with a note declaring that if his demands were not met, he was going to release one lawyer every hour.

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Lawyer Jokes

James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful
“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.”
The words of a rарisт if ever there was one.

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Criminal Jokes Men jokes

When the missus caught me cheating on her she told me she wished she could turn the clock back.
I tried doing something to cheer her up but she was even more рissеd off when she was late for work the next day.

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Cheating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

This is a story about the girl that didn't know what cursing was. It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sеx in the next bedroom over. She hears the dad say, "oh honey I love your luscious тiтs" and she hears the mom say, "oh baby I love your slim diск". So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, "Hey dad, what are luscious тiтs?" the dad panics and says, "It's a fine coat". She then walks up to the mom and says, "Hey mom, what's a slim diск?". The mom panics and says, "It's a pair of boots". Later on that day, everybody's getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, "Shiт!". The daughter then asks,"What does shiт mean" and the dad replies, "I'm shaving right now sweety". The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey. The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, "Fuск". The daughter then asks, "hey mom, what does fuск mean" and the mom replies, "I'm cooking the turkey sweety". About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door. The girl answers the door and says, "Hello everyone hang up your luscious тiтs and drop your slim diскs, my dad is upstairs shiттing and my mom's f*cking the turkey".

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Thanksgiving Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Boob Jokes

I remember last summer at the beach. All the humiliation of being a 97 pound weakling. The big guys kicking sand in my face, My girlfriend dissing me to take off with some bronzed, muscular jоск.
So I moved to Alaska. Now I’m a Husky fcuker

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Fitness jokes

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount."
"Okay, I wish for a billion dollars."
"Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars."
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything."
"Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”

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Relationship Jokes

There was a 3 car accident in Mexico yesterday, 84 people were found dead.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake-$99,” she said “but there is a stopover.”

“Where?”

“In Denver,” she said.

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Aviation Jokes

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week.
One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me.
I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name.
I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it.
Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

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Friendship Jokes Old People Jokes

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them - and sometimes with good reason. “What kind of pie do you call this?” asked one student indignantly.
“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.”
“Glue!”
“Then it’s apple pie - the plum pie tastes like soap.”

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College jokes School Jokes Military Jokes

A desperate man enters a bar and says:
All the lawyers are sтuрid!!!
From a table a solid man rises up and goes to the desperate man:
Take that back!
Why? Are you a lawyer?
No, I’m sтuрid...

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Lawyer Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil. The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas". The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his сhin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes Business jokes

According to Albert Einstein there is nothing faster than the speed of light.

But he is wrong... you can make something much more faster than light:

1. First take torch or a flash light.
2. Now take a video camera and record it.
3. Now put the video you have recorded in to your video player.

4. FAST FORWARD THE VIDEO.

CONGRATULATIONS YOU GOT SOMETHING FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT!

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Science jokes

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