Newest jokes - Page 777

I got the perfect body for an eighth grader. Yeah, if this were junior high, I'd be the man, y'all. Dамn near be the bully, alright? Be that crazy dude over by the monkey bars:
'Man, Sully's crazy -- he drank three chocolate milks today.'

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You must be an angel, because your texture mapping is so divine!

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Beauty Jokes

What do you get when you have sеx with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!

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Baby Jokes Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Sex Jokes Pregnancy Jokes

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullsh1t session on this cruise ship.
The Aussie said, “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”
The Yank said, “That’s nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”
The Canadian said, “That’s nothing, we have women with рussiеs this big.” (He then stretched his hands so wide it’d do the biggest fish justice.)
“I can’t believe you mate” the Aussie remarked.
“How do you sсrеw them then?” asked the Yank.
“They stretch man, they stretch.”

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Australia Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes

Mostly men lie before the elections, sеx and after fishing.

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Attitude Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

Маsтurватing makes your diск smaller. Don't believe me? Asians have really fast internet. Africa doesn't.

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Africa Jokes Dirty jokes Internet Jokes Masturbation jokes

Yo momma’s so ugly, they use her face as a cure for constipation.

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Yo Momma Jokes

S.I.N.G.L.E...sеxy! innocent! naughty! gorgeous! lustful! exciting!

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Flirt jokes

How to catch a polar bear:
Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond.
Cut a large hole in the ice.
Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file.
Hide behind a nearby rock.
When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

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Single People Jokes Animal Jokes

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly oblivious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee, kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had had enough. He broke his stance, lowered his driver back to the ground and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"

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Golf jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes

My ex texted me:
::
She: I can’t live without you
::
::
Me: …. Then die
::
The breakup/makeup flowers that didn’t work $25
The jewelry that didn’t work $200
The text: PRICELESS!

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Dating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Chuck Norris can cross all Seven Bridges of Konigsberg, making all the current laws of Math, obsolete.

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Math Jokes Chuck Norris Jokes

FORREST in EVERYONE'S LIFE
Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates...
Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, chocolate!
Forrest the Нun Chocolate all mine!
Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest'
Forrest Jackson Little kids like my box of chocolates
Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box.
Forrest Shakespeare Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated
Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate
Forrest McClaine I used to be a box of Chocolates
Forrest Ventura Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then...
Forrest Lauper People just wanna have chocolate
Forrest Turner What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
Forrest Bones Dаммiт Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
Forrest Spock Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
Forrest Scotty The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
Forrest Сhrisт Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate
Forrest Rooney Why is it, that we are all chocolates?
Forrest Butler Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
Forrest O'Hara Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.
Forrest Lee Fight with your inner chocolate
Forrest Clinton I didn't inhale the cream centers
Forrest Davidson I will inhale the cream filled centers
Forrest Doo Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
Forrest Pig Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy
Forrest Marx That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen....
Forrest Nicholson You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
Forrest Copperfield Рооf, the chocolates are gone!
Forrest Нiтlеr White Chocolates only!
Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it,
Forrest Vader Luke, I am your chocolate
Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.

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Hitler Jokes Kids Jokes Chocolate Jokes Star Wars Jokes American Presidents Humor

You know how it is sometimes, man. You'll be sitting around drinking wine with a group of your friends or some apostles, and a story just starts getting away from you. 'Yeah, man, I remember it like it was yesterday. I'd seen this dog, it looked like a beast. He had, I don't know, one -- seven heads! And the bush was on fire and talking to me. I'm drunк, but you can quote me on that. I hear you're writing a book.'

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Wine jokes God Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes American Presidents Humor

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can’t keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

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Dad Jokes Dirty jokes American Presidents Humor

A farmer and his wife got into a huge fight after which the wife stormed off. The farmer says, "Where did you leave the tractor?"

The wife replies, "In the Mill field."

But there's no way into the Mill field!"

"There is now."

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Farmer Jokes

The bar association in a Texas county was having its annual meeting in the county courthouse when a mad man entered the room, pulled out a gun and took over the meeting.

He then released one lawyer with a note declaring that if his demands were not met, he was going to release one lawyer every hour.

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Lawyer Jokes

James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful
“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.”
The words of a rарisт if ever there was one.

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Criminal Jokes Men jokes

When the missus caught me cheating on her she told me she wished she could turn the clock back.
I tried doing something to cheer her up but she was even more рissеd off when she was late for work the next day.

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Cheating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

This is a story about the girl that didn't know what cursing was. It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sеx in the next bedroom over. She hears the dad say, "oh honey I love your luscious тiтs" and she hears the mom say, "oh baby I love your slim diск". So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, "Hey dad, what are luscious тiтs?" the dad panics and says, "It's a fine coat". She then walks up to the mom and says, "Hey mom, what's a slim diск?". The mom panics and says, "It's a pair of boots". Later on that day, everybody's getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, "Shiт!". The daughter then asks,"What does shiт mean" and the dad replies, "I'm shaving right now sweety". The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey. The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, "Fuск". The daughter then asks, "hey mom, what does fuск mean" and the mom replies, "I'm cooking the turkey sweety". About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door. The girl answers the door and says, "Hello everyone hang up your luscious тiтs and drop your slim diскs, my dad is upstairs shiттing and my mom's f*cking the turkey".

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Thanksgiving Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Boob Jokes

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