Management Jokes

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
Шерлок Холмс и доктор Уотсън летели с балон. Човек, летящ на въздушен балон, установил, че се е загубил. Orientierung in einem Heissluftballon Mit dem Ballon verirrt Marketing Ο Διευθυντής Ο κομπιουτεράς και ο μάνατζερ Воздушный шар сбился с курса, и воздухоплаватель срочно опустился с ним вниз. A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. Un hombre está volando en un globo aerostático y se da cuenta de que se encuentra perdido. Mientras hace algunas maniobras ve a un tipo caminando por el campo. El hombre hace descender el globo algunos metros y grita: - Perdone, ¿me puede decir dónde estoy?. A lo que el hombre que está abajo... George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry let's out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I... Zwei Ballonfahrer haben sich im Nebel mit ihrem Ballon verirrt. Plötzlich taucht im Nebel ein 2. Ballon auf mit einer Person an Bord. Da ruft einer der beiden Verirrten: " Hallo, können Sie uns sagen, wo wir uns befinden?" Der andere Ballonfahrer gibt keine Antwort. Kurz bevor die Ballone ausser... A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he's lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?" "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212... Un tipo va en coche por la carretera y se da cuenta de que está perdido. Se detiene en un arcén y pregunta a un viandante que pasaba por allí: - Oiga, ¿puede ayudarme? He quedado a las seis con unos clientes, llevo dos horas de retraso y no sé dónde estoy. - Por supuesto,le contesta el... , Il y a deux types dans une montgolfière. Le premier demande au second : "Excusez-moi, pouvez-vous me dire où nous sommes ?" Le second réfléchit longtemps, très longtemps avant de dire : "Eh... Un ingénieur et un physicien profitent du beau temps et décide de faire une promenade en ballon. Le temps se couvre rapidement, l'ingénieur et le physicien finissent par se perdre complètement dans... Uma vez um homem viajava em um balão de ar quente quando descobriu que estava totalmente perdido. Visto que sua situação era desesperadora, resolveu diminuir velocidade, e a sua altitude para ver... Un tipo volaba en globo, de pronto se percató que estaba perdido, maniobró y descendió un poco. Divisó a un hombre abajo en la calle, bajó más y le grito: ¡Disculpe! ¿Podría usted ayudarme?... En man i en varmluftsballong insåg att han kommit vilse. Han minskade höjden och såg en kvinna nere på marken. Han sänkte sig ytterligare ner och ropade: - Ursäkta, kan du hjälpa mig? Jag hade... Un uomo su un pallone aerostatico finisce su un albero in mezzo alle campagne in una zona desolata. Passa di li' una persona, allora l'uomo sul pallone gli chiede: - Scusi, mi sa dire dove ci... Um homem voando num balão percebe que estava perdido. Ao ver alguém lá embaixo, resolve descer um pouco para perguntar. Quando está suficientemente baixo, grita: — Hei! Você ai! Pode me dizer onde... Adamın biri balona binmiş ve uçarken yolunu kaybedip bilmediği bir yerde bir çayıra doğru sürüklenmiş. Balonun aşağıda çok yaklaştığı bir sırada aşağıda birini görmüş ve sormuş: - Kayboldum, nerede... Ο φίλοι κάνουν ένα ταξίδι με αερόστατο. Κάποια στιγμή αρχίζει να βρέχει. Σε πολύ λίγο η βροχή γίνεται καταιγίδα και το αερόστατο κομμάτια. Πυξίδες και χάρτες χάνονται. Οι δύο φίλοι κρατιούνται από...
Management Jokes
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says "Whoa, Тоnто. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shiт, and disappear for the rest of the day."
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By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.
"I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.
No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time."
Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Един моряк отишъл в хотел и поискал стая. Een handelsvertegenwoordiger, komt doodmoe aan in een kleine gemeente. Waar maar één hotelletje is. Tot overmaat van ramp, zijn alle kamers bezet. Hij smeekt de baas: "Zoek alsjeblieft een... Um vendedor chegou a uma cidadezinha do interior, e chegando no único hotel descobre que não há vaga. Suplica ao recepcionista qualquer lugar para poder dormir. Ele responde: — Olha... tenho um... Bir satıcı, küçük kasabaya geldiğinde artık saat çok geçtir ve şansına bulabildiği tek oteldeki tüm odalar tutulmuştur. Satıcı yalvarır: - "Tek bir yatağınız bile yok mu? nerede olsa yatarım."... Patru prieteni in Vacanta. La hotel, neavand prea multi bani, Hotarasc sa doarma cate doi in Camera. Unul din ei se stia ca sforaie atat de Cumplit, asa ca au convenit sa doarma in Camera cu el pe... Karel přijel do malého města, kde byl jen jeden hotel a všechny pokoje obsazené. Bylo asi jedenáct večer, a tak to Karel přeci jen zkouší: 'Pane recepční, přeci tu musíte mít alespoň jeden pokoj,...
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An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing."
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer.
"We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
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Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.
We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December and...
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?
Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We await your direction.
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Performance Evaluations
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jеrк.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirтy jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Sтuрid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ... .
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
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