Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

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Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"

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Sex Jokes Car and driving jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later.
Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunк as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.
He answered, "Dont get excited. Im late because I bought something for the house."
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked, "What did you buy for the house, dear?"
His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to вlоw into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.
If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urinе sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either.
I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunк to do that."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A drunк goes to court.
The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’
The drunк says, ‘Great.
Let’s get started.’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.
He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Chemistry Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a вееr?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a вееr then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Business jokes Beer Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A cop pulls a guy over:
Sir, why were you speeeding?
Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I became really drunк.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish.
He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."
The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of вееr, how about you turn this whole dамn lake into вееr".
*РООF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.
His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hеll did you do that for, now we have to рiss in the boat!!"

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Genie jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men кill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

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Hunting Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A beautiful woman sits next to a drunк in a bar.
He turns to her and says, ‘Hey, honey.
How about you and me getting it on?
I’ve got a couple of pounds and it looks like you could use the money.’
The woman turns to him and says, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?’

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beauty Jokes

An alcoholic, a smoker and a gаy went to a doctor.
The doctor told them that if they do again what they think are addicted to, they will die.
As soon as the alcoholic went out of the hospital, he saw a bar.
He thought for a while and said to himself, "If I drink one, I will die, if I don’t drink, I will die, too. So it’s better to get drunк."
And he entered the bar, drank and died.
At that time, the smoker saw one cigarette-end on the street.
The gаy walking behind him started crying, "Don’t! Don’t do it!"
"Why? I want to smoke so much."
"If you bend... we both are dead!"

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A guy is sitting in a bar and turns to the Asian guy next to him and asks:
"Hey do you know, Tae Kwon Do, Jiu Jitsu, Kung Fu or any of that shiт?"
Offended the Asian man replies: "What you think that just because I'm asian I know martial arts?"
The man replies: "Nah its because you're drinking my fуcking bourbon"

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Asian jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Life Jokes

My idea of balanced diet is вееr in each hand.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Beer Jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender' man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!' and orders a mug of вееr.
He gets a pitcher of вееr and asks the bartender, 'man, I heard that things are big down here in Texas but this is ridiculas!' and goes about drinking his вееr. He orders another and he gets really рissеd drunк.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, 'Where is your washroom???'
The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.'
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams 'DON'T FLUSH IT!!!

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Pet Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Drunк guy gets pulled over.
Officer starts doing sobriety tests on him.
The final test the officer says "if you can pass this last test I will let u go... use the words green pink and yellow in 1 sentence."
So the drunк man replies "My phone went green and I pinked it up and said yellow. Have a nice day officer!"

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Police Officer Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Communication Jokes

2 Scientists walk into a bar, the bartender asks what they'll have.
The first one says he'll have H2O.
The second one said he'll have H2O too.
The second one died.

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Science jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work.
If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss to allow alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Food Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Boss Jokes