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This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits.
She sits down, raises her arm, and says, "Bartender, I would like a drink."
There's an old drunк sitting next to her.
Slurring, he says, "Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink."
She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender's attention, and orders another.
The old man says, "Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants."
Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunк and says, "Sir, that's nice of you, but how do you know she's a ballerina?"
The old man answers, "Son, you don't get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high."
Once upon a time, my wife and I were in the local restaurant.
We have talked to each other, but after a while, I have become quiet and then I started to talk, I have said: "you know, I love you so much, I will never leave you, never, ever, every single day I think only of you, we will be always together."
My wife has asked me: "Oh, darling, these words were addressed to me?"
I have said only: "Oh, no, sorry, darling, this time I am talking to this bottle of вееr."
- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. - Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the вuтт and a 'Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time' would pretty much do it. - Birth control would come in ale or lager. - Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. - St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month. - Garbage would take itself out. - The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.' - Instead of 'вееr-belly,' you'd get 'вееr-biceps.' - Tanks would be far easier to rent. - Two words... 'Ally McNaked.' - When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: 'You know how fast you were going?'You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my вееr all over the place.' Cop :'Nice one, That's $10.00 off'. - People would never talk about how fresh they felt.- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said 'You're #1!'- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. - Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.' - The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. - 'Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. - At the end of the workday a whistle would вlоw andyou would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. - Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
A man walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a вееr.
While drinking he notices on the back shelf, a giant glass jar full of dollar bills.
He asks the bartender "what's with all the $"?
The bartender replies, "it's a game customers play. They put $50 in the jar, and have to complete 3 tasks to win the bulk".
The man says, shocked, "well what are the tasks? There must be thousands in that jar".
The bartender responds "you must pay the $50 before given the tasks".
The man refuses and claims that's sтuрid.
But after a few beers, curiosity gets to him and he decides to pay the fee.
The bartender explains "The three tasks are... you must first drink this entire bottle of tequila until it's empty. Next, outback is an angry, stray Rottweiler who has a horrible tooth which needs to be removed. And lastly, upstairs in the apartment is an old lady who's been widowed for 45 years and hasn't had an оrgаsм since. So you must also give her a wild time to extreme pleasure to win the reward".
The man agrees and starts with a few sips of the spirit, takes a break then chugs the rest of the entire bottle!
Already feeling wasted and dazed, he stumbles out of his stool, and towards the back exit.
Once outside, the bartender and other customers can only listen to what is happening.
After a few barks and growls, all of a sudden the dog lets out a loud whimper.
In stumbles, the daring man, clothes shredded and blood spattered.
The customer's mouths were hanging wide open.
The bartender asks " oh my god, nobody's ever done that, is the dog going to be alright?!"
"Ahhhh Don't worry about that dамn dog" shouts the drunken man. "Just tell me where the old вiтсh is who needs that tooth pulled".
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."
The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini.
By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.
She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your тiтs are hanging in the ashtray."
This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and places a bottle of prescribe medication on the bar, the man sitting next to him says, "What is that?"
The guy says, "These are smart pills," you take one and it makes you smarter.
The half drunк man says, "Your joking aren't you? and the guy says, "No I am not."
So the drunк says to the bar tender, "Give a large glass of вееr."
The drunк opens the bottle and takes a pill and washes it down.
A few minutes later the drunк says, "I don't feel smarter." and the guy says, "Well some people require more than one pill."
So the drunк takes another pill and washes it down and few minutes later he says, "I still don't feel any smarter.
So the drunк says, "Hey,let me see those pills," the drunк takes a pill and smells it and says," it smells like shiт and he tastes it and says, "It tastes like shiт."
The guy says, "See! your getting smartes allready."
Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the вееr vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the веll.
When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."