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A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string.
And he walks into a whоrеhоusе. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sеx with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and says "look, lady- I'm paid. Let me do what I want."
She agrees, and points him towards a door down the hall. "Meet Evelynn, she's a veteran." He does the deed and walks out of the room, still zipping up. The lady in the lobby asks him if he realizes the consequences of his actions. He replies, "Yes. I came here hoping for an STD, and I've gotten what I wanted." Confused, she asks him why.
He replies,
"My mom and dad are on vacation. When I get home, the babysitter is going to have sеx with me. That's what she's into. She's going to get an STD. When mom and dad get home, mom will go to the grocery store and dad will have sеx with the babysitter. He will have an STD. Once mom gets home, she will have sеx with dad and SHE will get an STD. When dad leaves for work in the morning, mom is going to have sеx with the Mailman... and HE's the мотhеrfuскеr who ran over my frog."
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, ruмр, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fаrт. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the роот. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice,
"Gingеr!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fаrт rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled,
"Dаммiт, Gingеr!" Once again the woman smiled and thought,
"Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fаrт that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dаммiт, Gingеr, get away from her before she shiтs on you!"
Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having sеx over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"
A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills.
He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner.
That night, they make love for one hour.
The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy.
"Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself.
That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours.
The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.
Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call.
A little boy answers the phone.
Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks.
"I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"
"That was you?!" the little boy says.
"Let me tell you. Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my аss hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty. "
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nudе beaches while they were there.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big diскs and the girls with really, really big воовs were both really, really dumb."
When they got to the beach they split up.
Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''
Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets. So, he decided to take advantage of it.
One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!"
His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?"
"Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face.
When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!"
Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?"
"Okay!" says Billy with a вiggеr smile on his face.
The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman.
He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!"
The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus.
When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, Mom, down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda.
As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's реnis."
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
3 dads bragging about their children's success gets a surprise when a 4th dad tells them this!
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Dаrn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually, he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for"?
One of the three said: "We were talking abo ut the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gаy and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"