Dark Humor - Page 2

Q: How do you make a baby drink?
A: Stick it in the blender.

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A few days after her husband's death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.
The e-mail reads:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Australia Jokes Beer Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to build a wall?
A: Depends on how deep you stack them.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Morbid jokes Dead baby jokes Lawyer Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Blonde Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Lawyer Jokes Black People Jokes

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

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Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess - I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Sатаn; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."
"Yeah," Sатаn replies. "All the more for me!"
God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."
Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."
God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."
Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Three guys die and go to Неll.
Satan asks the first guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a candle maker." So, Sатаn burns off the guy's d**k.
Satan asks the second guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
"He was a rope maker." So, Sатаn rips off the guy's d**k with a rope.
Satan asks the third guy, "What was your daddy when you were alive?"
The guy smiles and says, "He made lollipops."

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Dirty jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Eliz Wright: Down With O.P.P.
I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P. Now he down with No P.P.

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Police Officer Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, "Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

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Asian jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

Songs are not going to make us do anything we would not ordinarily do.
Because if that was the case, the song 'Achy Breaky Heart' would have made me кill somebody about a year ago.

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Music and Musician Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her сrаск, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the сrаск, so I pushed it back in."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Church jokes Monday jokes Boss Jokes

A car slows down at a stop sign and keeps driving. A cop sees him and pulls him over.
The cop asks, "Why didn't you stop?"
The man says, "I slowed down."
The cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating him. "Now," the cop says, "do you want me to stop or slow down?"

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Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes

Lester Barrie: Solution to the Gang Problem.
It gives me a solution to this whole inner city gang problem that we seem to be having. I just got to get some people behind me, right? I think we need about 20 or 25 grandmothers, give them all belts and do one big drive-by whupping on these kids.

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Police Officer Jokes Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Grandparent Jokes

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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Little Johnny Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.

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Lawyer Jokes Gross Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes Dead baby jokes

When you were in the gang then , you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough.
Someone started talking about fighting - 'No, man, I've got to go home.'

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Police Officer Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

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Lawyer Jokes Dark Humor Jokes One-Liner Jokes