Dirty jokes - Page 44

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn comes in to take a рiss. Well, the man cant help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, whats your secret?" Bubba says"well, every night before i go to get in bed with a woman i whack my diск on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night. So he got to bed and whacked his diск on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes.up and says"bubba, is that you?"

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his diск.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..."
He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her вrеаsт.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your вrеаsт, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your реnis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

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Dirty jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Diск, let's go."

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The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a вееr?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a вееr then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5".
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Business jokes Beer Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

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Had a fight with an еrестiоn this morning.
I beat it single handedly.

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Dirty jokes Single People Jokes

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gаy, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

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Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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There was three girls and they all had boyfriends and separate rooms.
The mom walked by all the rooms.
The first room she hears laughing, the second room she heard screaming and the third was totally quiet.
The mom was suspicious, so she asked the third girl why was she so quiet she replied, "My boyfriend said not to talk with my mouth full."

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Sex Jokes Dirty jokes

Why is the position 69 like driving car in a rush hour traffic?
Cause аsshоlе is always in front of you.

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Car and driving jokes Dirty jokes

This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the сrар table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later thereâs a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl heThis guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the сrар table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.

Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hоокеr, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"

The hоокеr says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"

"What, that’s outrageous.

"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that sтriр mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty dамn good.

"All right, sсrеw it, money is no object."

A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hоокеr and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a вlоw job?

"Honey, a вlоw job is $5000.00."

"What, that’s outrageous."

"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving вlоw jobs. I must be pretty dамn good.

"All right, sсrеw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hоокеr, and drinks one himself.

"My god that was the best вlоw job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, How much for some рussy?"

The hоокеr looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a рussy, I would own this whole city." has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hоокеr, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?" The hоокеr says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, thatâs outrageous. "Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that sтriр mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty dамn good. "All right, sсrеw it, money is no object." A half hour after sheâs done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hоокеr and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a вlоw job? "Honey, a вlоw job is $5000.00." "What, thatâs outrageous." "Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving вlоw jobs. I must be pretty dамn good. "All right, sсrеw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after sheâs done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hоокеr, and drinks one himself. "My god that was the best вlоw job I have ever had, Iâve gotta know, How much for some рussy?" The hоокеr looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a рussy, I would own this whole city."

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Dirty jokes Hotel Jokes

Q: What did diск say to rubber?
A: "Cover me I'm going in."

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Communication Jokes

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a ВLОW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the аss!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, ВLОW JOB, or аss?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a вlоw job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business.
Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shiттy!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

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Fishing Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Dog jokes

Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
They were really рissеd off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Dirty jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Q: What do men and garbage bags have in common?
A: Black are вiggеr than white.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Dirty jokes Black People Jokes White people jokes

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of вrеаsтs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, there are three kinds of вrеаsтs.
In her twenties, a woman's вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Dad Jokes

What has a hundred ваlls and fuскs old women?
Bingo!

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes