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The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gаy, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the сrар table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later thereâs a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl heThis guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the сrар table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hоокеr, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?"
The hоокеr says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, that’s outrageous.
"Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that sтriр mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty dамn good.
"All right, sсrеw it, money is no object."
A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hоокеr and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a вlоw job?
"Honey, a вlоw job is $5000.00."
"What, that’s outrageous."
"Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving вlоw jobs. I must be pretty dамn good.
"All right, sсrеw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hоокеr, and drinks one himself.
"My god that was the best вlоw job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know, How much for some рussy?"
The hоокеr looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a рussy, I would own this whole city." has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hоокеr, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?" The hоокеr says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, thatâs outrageous. "Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that sтriр mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty dамn good. "All right, sсrеw it, money is no object." A half hour after sheâs done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hоокеr and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a вlоw job? "Honey, a вlоw job is $5000.00." "What, thatâs outrageous." "Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving вlоw jobs. I must be pretty dамn good. "All right, sсrеw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after sheâs done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks ,gives one to the hоокеr, and drinks one himself. "My god that was the best вlоw job I have ever had, Iâve gotta know, How much for some рussy?" The hоокеr looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a рussy, I would own this whole city."
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog.”
The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”
“Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”
“Do I have to go fishing with you… I really don’t want to go!”
“Right I’ll give you three choices… 1 You come fishing with me and the dog… 2 You give me a ВLОW JOB…. 3 or you take it up the аss!”
The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”
“Wife I’ve given you three options.. You’ll HAVE to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, “Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, ВLОW JOB, or аss?”
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, “O.K. I’ll give you a вlоw job!”
“Great!” He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business.
Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting… It tastes all shiттy!”
“Yes!” says her husband “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of вrеаsтs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers:
"Well, son, there are three kinds of вrеаsтs.
In her twenties, a woman's вrеаsтs are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."