Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

Teacher asks children, what do you wish to do in future?
Jimmy: I want to be a pilot.
Willy: I want to be a doctor.
Mary: I want to be a good mother.
Little Johnny: I want to help Mary.

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A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it. He has no recollection of how he got there.
While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for НIV and hepatitis."
Stunned, the man asks "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"
The doc replies: "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."
The patient asks: "Will that really help me, doctor?"
"No", the doc responds. "But it's all we can fit under the door."

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Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs.
One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."
Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant.
The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."
"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."
The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.
His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.
"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.
"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

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Doctor: "Is your cough better this morning?"
Patient: "Yes. I've been practicing all night."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

An elderly man went t o his doctor and said:
"Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer.
After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, "Doctor, I don't know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don't know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I'll just lose my mind!"
The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies.
"And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don't take them out until morning."
So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved.
That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor's office and promptly delivered another child.
"Ma'am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?"
"Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same"

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Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by. After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
"Your husband is very sick," the doctor said. "Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival:
First, fix him three healthy meals a day.
Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything.
Finally, have sеx and оrаl sеx with him every day."
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
"What did the doctor say?" he asked.
"I’m sorry, m’dear," she said, "but he said you’re not going to make it."

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Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your тiтs, then?"
That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

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Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months. The nurses have come to realise that she moves every time they wash her crotch area.
The doctors think hard about this.
They bring in Mr. Smith and say that they have a good idea.
Perhaps if he practices оrаl sеx with her she will wake out of the coma. Mr. Smith would do anything so he asks for some privacy.
He soon rushes out saying, ''I think she's choking!"

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A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

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There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left. The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.
The first man said:
"Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."
That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiот started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me"
That is to horrific.
He asked the third man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine that I was nакеd in a refrigerator..."

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A redneck couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'.
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision. Why after nine children would they choose to do this?
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say:
"That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.
The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sеx."
Mom and dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

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A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sеx. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sеx for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sеx drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viаgrа?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viаgrа into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
”How did it go?” the doctor asked.
”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”
”Did it not work?”
”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sеx that I’d had in 25 years.”
”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sеx threatening health attack. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.
The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”
The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”
The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.
So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his реnis and теsтiсlе, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man еjасulатеd on nurse’s hand.
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”

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This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.
It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

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Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

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