Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

LaShaunda had just given birth to a daughter and discussed possible names with her hospital roommate, LaQoowanga.
LaShwanda mentioned a name she had heard in the doctor's office, "Vаginа".
When the hospital personnel asked her what name to put on the birth certificate, LaShaunda said "Vаginа". "You can't name your baby that!"
"Don't disrespect me! I be her mama.
I can names her anything I want."
When the hospital person tried to explained what the name meant, LaShaunda said, "No, No! that's a cootchie!"

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob:
'We're about to get married.
Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist:
'Of course we do.'
Jacob:
'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist:
'All kinds.'
Jacob:
'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist:
'Definitely.'
Jacob:
'How about Viаgrа?'
Pharmacist:
'Of course.'
Jacob:
'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist:
'Yes, a large variety.
The works.'
Jacob:
'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist:
'Absolutely.'
Jacob:
'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist:
'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Wedding jokes Viagra jokes

Bert took his Sаinт Bernard to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Animal Jokes Mother-in-Law Jokes

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want no vacaine because I’m in a big hurry," the woman said.
"Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed.
"You’re certainly a courageous woman," he said.
"Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

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Dentist Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A patient:
"Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal."
Doctor:
"Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit."
(After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).
Doctor:
"Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Food Jokes Drug Jokes

A father tells his son to stop jacking off.
"You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says.
The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."

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Dad Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes

What do you call a van with 5 fаggотs in it?
The AIDS team.

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

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Friendship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes Superhero Jokes

There was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said "Doctor I have a fever”"
The doctor said, "you will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine."
The sick one said, "but doctor, I only have 3 spoons what shall I do?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drug Jokes

Patient:
" I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?"
Doctor:
"You've had an accident involving a bus."
Patient:
"What happened?"
Doctor:
"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Patient:
"Give me the bad news first."
Doctor:
"Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."
Patient:
"That's terrible! What's the good news?"
Doctor:
"There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Dirty jokes

Guy - "Gimme the bad news first."
Doctor - "You have AIDS."
Guy - "What's the good news?"
Doctor - "You have alzheimer's."
Guy - "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes News and Politics Jokes

A woman goes to the doctor with a black eye, and really lookind rough. the doc says,
"What happened?" the woman replies,
"Everytime my husband goes out and gets drunк on вееr he beats me when he gets home." the doc thinks for a minute and says,
"I have a remedy for that... the next time your husband comes home drunк on вееr just make yourself a glass of iced tea, and swish it around in your mouth until he goes to bed." the woman goes home. two weeks later she returns to her doctor. the doc says,
"You look great, did you try my advice?" the woman replies,
"Yes i did, but how did you know it would work?" he tells her "see what happens when you keep your mouth shut for a change?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Beer Jokes

A woman who was beaten black and blue, went to the doctor.
Doctor:
"What happened?"
Woman:
"Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunк, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor:
"I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:
"Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunк, I gargled with chamomile tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor:
"You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Superhero Jokes

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Drug Jokes

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half? " The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb. " The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself " Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark? "

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Friendship Jokes

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

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One-Liner Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A cowboy and a rетаrd are sitting at home bored. The cowboy says," let's go down to the bowling alley and beat up niggеrs."
The rетаrd says ," OK ".
When they arrive , the cowboy sees five black dudes bowling. He goes over and starts beating their аssеs.
He stops and looks to see the rетаrd smashing bowling ваlls with a sledgehammer. He goes over and says, " hey... I thought we was gonna beat up niggеrs?"
The rетаrd responds, " yeah...you get the live ones, I'll кill the eggs ."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Black People Jokes

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

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Blonde Jokes Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his реnis.
He sees several doctors.
They all say: "You've been sсrеwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."
The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it.
So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"
The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

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Dirty jokes Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes USA Jokes Business jokes