A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunк.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunк." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed
They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok."
He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And Peter just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked!
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts,
"Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"