Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can’t wear your pants," she said.
"That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her раnтiеs and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Неll, I can’t get into your раnтiеs!"
She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"

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A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?
"Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Peter loves to drink at the local bar, but his wife disapproves of this.
One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunк.
He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor.
He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor.
People offered to help him, but he said no each time.
He finally ended up dragging himself home and sneaking into bed, thinking his wife would never catch him.
The next morning, Peter's wife says, "Pete, you вlооdy worthless idiот, no good drunkard!
You were at the bar last night drinking again!"
Peter was confused. "How did you find out?"
"The bar called. You left your wheelchair there."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Love Jokes

Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?"
"I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fат. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

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Sex Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes Fat Jokes

My wife and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary soon so i asked her what she wanted. She said wanted something really really shine that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her a scale.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

- Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
- Two mothers-in-law.

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Mother-in-Law Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A priest and a nun were on a mission trip up in the mountains when a snowstorm Came up.
They saw an abandoned log cabin and went inside.
The priest started a fire in the fireplace and found blankets and a sleeping bag but only one bed.
The priest told the nun that she could sleep on the bed and he would sleep in the sleeping bag in the floor.
As they were alone and beginning to get settled.
The young nun said, "father?" in a song-song voice.
He answered, "yes, sister?"
"I'm cold."
The priest got up and went to the closet and got another blanket and covered the nun.
As he was settling back into his sleeping bag, she again said, "father?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I'm still cold."
The priest got up and got another blanket from the closet and added it to the sisters' bed, tucking her in.
He climbed back into the sleeping bag.
Just as he was getting settled and the fire was crackling she called out to him again.
"I'm still cold!"
He said, "sister?"
"Yes?"
"We are all alone out here in this cabin in the mountains."
"Yes, we are!"
"Just this once... Yes? Just tonight... yes? Do you want to pretend that we are married?"
"Oh yes! I do!"
"Ok... get up and get your own dang blanket!"

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Priest Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes Weather jokes Priest Jokes

The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swinging before the husband.
Aroused Husband says, "You look so beautiful and sеxy my darling."
The wife says, "I know that, I tried it the same way at the store and the salesman was the first one to tell me that."

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

My wife keeps telling me I shouldn’t рее in the bath – or if I really have to I should at least wait till she gets out.

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Men jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.
During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive.
It could cost him as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem.
This would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers,
"I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do."
The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it’s not that," says George.
"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"

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Mother-in-Law Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes American Jokes

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.
One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.
So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
This time, Charlie replied, "I can’t hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can’t hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
Again, the reply was, "I can’t hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!"

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Church jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Priest Jokes Cheating Jokes Priest Jokes

“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “The only woman he’s sсrеwеd is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been sсrеwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh сrар!” the physician roared, “That means we’ve all got it!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Phone jokes

2 girls meet:
"Me & my husband are no longer together..."
"Why?"
"Well, could you live with a person who smokes wееd, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"
"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

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Divorce Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Drug Jokes

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking вееr.
Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes."
Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a wееd-eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a wееd-eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done, the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a wееd-eater."
Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar.
He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"
Bubba says, "I'll show you.
Do you have a wееd-eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a quееr."

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Redneck jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drug Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes College jokes Math Jokes Beer Jokes

My wife has a contract to give lectures – it’s called a marriage licence.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A man asks his mute friend what he wants in a woman.
The mute friend points to his head.
His friend says, "Yes, intelligence is important."
Then, the mute friend rubs his thumb on the palm of his hand.
His friend nods and says, "Certainly a woman with money would be nice."
Then, the mute friend opens his hands wide in front of him, cups his fingers and makes a bouncing motion.
His friend looks at him strangely.
"What the heck do you want a woman with arthritis for?"

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Men jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Friendship Jokes

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "The computer is completely fuскеd now".

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Computer Jokes Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Wife to husband: ‘My mother says I should never have married you.
She says you’re effeminate.’ Husband: ‘Compared to her everyone is.’

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Marriage and Family Jokes

If it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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